NAUGHTY KVETCHINGS

Separated at Birth?

2012-01-29T20:39:00.000-08:00

When My Son, Stanislaus, Was Born

2012-01-27T20:05:00.000-08:00

On the day my son, Stanislaus, was born, we gave each of our human statues an extra ration coupon of horse meat.

When My Son, Stanislaus, Was Born

2012-01-27T19:57:00.000-08:00

When my son, Stanislaus, was born, we gave the Turkish Envoy a ten-minute head start before we released the sand eels.

When My Son, Stanislaus, Was Born

2012-01-27T19:54:00.000-08:00

When my son, Stanislaus, was born, we closed the Beer Gardens and threw our hatchets at the swans.

Letters To A Young Hitman Part 1

2012-01-27T19:43:00.000-08:00

It takes way too long to dispose of a body in a Frosty Sno-Cone Machine.

Rare Edward Bunker Penned Archie Comic Found – Escape From Riverdale Penitentiary

2012-01-25T07:18:00.000-08:00

Rare Edward Bunker Penned Archie Comic Found – Escape From Riverdale Penitentiary.

Edward Bunker, actor, hard broiled crime author and former career criminal is perhaps best known for his role as Mr. Blue in Reservoir Dogs and his unflinching autobiography about prison life, the Animal Factory.

What isn’t widely known is that Bunker had a two-week writing stint for Archie Comics during the Missouri-based publisher’s failed work release program.

According to former Archie Editor, Mel Furnlap, “It was a noble experiment and Bunker was a great talent, but our sensibilities just didn’t meld.”

“We kept telling him that you can’t alter the Archie Universe. And he kept threatening me with a broken light bulb and the removal of my tongue.

Now, five years after Bunker’s death, his estate has released the infamous script for his crack at the comic, entitled: “Escape From Riverdale Penitentiary.

The gang’s outing to the local drive-in ends in tragedy when they discover that not only has Reggie Mantle been using Archie’s old jalopy to transport a small mountain of coke, but the constant rival also ditched the bodies of two dead hookers in the trunk.

“I thought I smelt something funny,” said local genius, Dilton Doiley. “I just didn’t know I was smelling trouble!”

Carted off to the Riverdale Hoosegow, the Archie gang doesn’t exactly take kindly to prison life.

Moose Mason, perhaps fared the best, quickly joining a white supremacist gang. He would be seen choking a Nation of Islam member with a lanyard keychain he made in shop. He would later marry Midge and during one of their conjugal visits, beat her half to death.

“He just doesn’t know his own strength,” she said in the hospital.

Betty and Veronica continue their infamous cat fights in Riverdale’s Women’s Penitentiary. Although Archie could never decide between them, poor Betty would soon find out that the big bull dyke warden, Stella Stevens, definitely preferred blondes. Sadistic guards would later spray Veronica with a firehose during a riotous uprising, cracking her skull against the cement wall, leaving her half paralyzed but still snooty.

Bunker’s version has New fish Archie Andrews getting grisly buggered about every 15 minutes by a revolving cast of jail house characters. Just about every convict in that stinkhole wanted a piece of everything Archie.

According to Andrew’s old high school teammate, Chuck Clayron, already incarcerated for racial profiling during a Riverdale March of Dimes Walk, “That freckled pansy really discovered himself here. I’d say jail was the best thing for him.”

Released a few years later on ever so good behavior, Archie would open up a bead store in Asheville, North Carolina.

Jughead Jones befriends, old-timey, veteran con, Red, and after two decades, escape from Riverdale, patiently using his gray crown beanie to tunnel his way out through a sewer. Bunker’s version of the comic has Jughead in the last panel, arriving in Zihuatanejo, Mexico where he gets severe dysentery and suffers a slow, agonizing death.

Meanwhile, Reggie Mantle’s lawyers would keep him out of jail, allowing him to once again walk away totally scott free. “That’s what that little shit gets for telling me to keep my hands off his guitar,” snickered Mantle as he plunged his face into a Devil's Tower sized platter of marching powder.

Archie Comics has no immediate plans to release the Bunker scripted comic, but it’s rumored that long time Archie fan, Steve Buscemi has been eyeing the project for the small screen. “I’d make a great a great Archie,” claimed the bug-eyed actor. “Wouldn’t I?”

I am the Napoleon of Rhyme!

2012-01-22T20:54:00.001-08:00

I am the Napoleon of Rhyme!

Movie Reviews

2012-01-22T20:45:00.000-08:00

I loved the part in the Iron Lady when Maggie goes up against The Monitor and The Merrimac.

A Moon Pie is Just a Mallomar Left on The Train Tracks

2012-01-22T20:40:00.000-08:00

A Moon Pie is just a Mallomar left on the train tracks.

Failed Reboots #14 -- West Egg Ninjas Vs East Egg Ninjas

2011-09-01T18:12:00.000-07:00

The Execs we pitched to lacked the vision. Who the hell wouldn't want to see Gatsby doing Mixed Martial Arts? Illiterate Swine!

Sir James Young Simpson accidentally invented Chloroform 200 years ago by mixing Clorox and Colorforms.

2011-08-02T16:17:00.000-07:00

Mead - Both Nectar of the Gods and School Supplies.

2011-08-02T16:11:00.000-07:00

Mead - Both Nectar of the Gods and School Supplies.

Abandoned Pitch #317 – Gay Time Machine

2011-07-23T22:04:00.000-07:00

GAY TIME MACHINE

Days before his infamous trial, Oscar Wilde tries not only to flee his predicament, but his present spacetime. With great urgency and flamboyant hand gestures, he convincing fellow club member, H.G. Wells, to test drive the latest invention he’s been boring their writers’ workshop with – a Time Machine.

With his usual sound judgment impaired by one too many rounds of mutton and absinthe, Wells attempts to send his friend back to a less homophobic time and place – to Ancient Greece, where the ghastly Queensbury Rules never did apply. Where teachers didn’t have to sing, “Don’t stand. Don’t stand so close to me.” even if they didn't look like Sting. The olde Sting. The olde Sting before he stopped hanging out with Adam Ant and started playing the hurdy gurdy.

But, he never makes it to that fabulous ancient island of hunky goat hurders, manadtory wrestling matches and unlimited feta.

Things go hysterically awry when Wilde is accidentally sent back to the future, to an apocalyptic America run by a completely mad, former Texas Governor retrofitted by Halliburton with a Burger King Crown that should control the weather, but so far has only produced five decades worth of drought. Hilarity ensues as a Tea Posse is formed to hunt down the English dandy and throw him in the Bachmann Turner Overdrive, a strange change machine that can suck the gay (and a few feet of colon) right out of you.

Barely escaping with his life, Wilde fires the Time Machine back up, landing in 802,701 A.D where he must battle savage Morlocks, fight off the awkward advances of a sexy Yvette Mimieux and deal with the – UGH – horrible wallpaper of the future.

Gay Time Machine –Get Ready for the Rip Rearing Ride of Your Life! Putting the Fabulous back in Sci Fi!

Rejected Pitches # 715 Castanets and Cracklins

2011-07-01T19:02:00.000-07:00

She’s a gorgeous, English-mangling Flamenco dancer with a 12-hour layover in Atlanta. He’s the local, English-mangling Delta baggage handler with way too much time on his hands.

Execs didn’t think there could be chemistry between Penelope Cruz and Larry the Cable Guy. What do they know? When I close my eyes, all I can see is them schtupping all over those tiny tables in front of the Atlanta Bread Company.

HOT STUFF, THE LITTLE DEVIL, IS ALL GROWN UP

2011-05-22T21:43:00.000-07:00

Hot Stuff, The Little Devil from the Harvey Comics, is all grown up now, a divorced dad, making ends meet by teaching Hammered Dulcimer privately in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

In a snazzy bollo tie and dockers instead of the trademark asbestos diapers of his youth, Hot – now going by the name Hiram Spellman – still stands out in a crowd (even a Santa Fe crowd) with his alarmingly red skin, horns and devil tail. But, Hiram claims that he had long ago given up his impish ways and now just wants to teach the world to sing and strum.

He says that he picked up the instrument soon after seeing the Juggernaut Jug band play at an Austin Chili Fest he was emceeing. “I just fell in love right then and there,” he said. “My eyes was tearing up from that beautiful music like no Jalepeno pepper ever could. I knew this was my destiny. Why I was put on this lower level beneath the center of the Earth.

His long time feud and legal battles with Hellboy has finally been put behind him. It still seems a painful subject for Spellman, who reportedly was paid an undisclosed amount rumored to be in the high seven figures.

“Hollywood ripped me off, Man. That’s all I want to say about it. Think I even got anything out of all them tattoos? Anything from the 108th Field Battery? Anything from Diablo Cody?”

His highly publicized tie-in marriage to Wendy the Good Little Witch merely lasted three months. His drinking binges and flame throwing antics became legendary. The cops even had to take away his trusty trident.

Pastor Leo Dunwich of the Santa Fe Foursquare Church stands behind his new parishioner. “It may stretch your theology a bit to see a demon on our worship team,” he said. “But, I believe our God is a forgiving God and everyone, including third tier comic book characters, can be redeemed.”

We asked if he ever sees his old friend, Casper, the friendly ghost, anymore.

“He’s a fucking ghost,” Hiram explained, a little heat showing under his collar. "No one sees Casper anymore.”

Tainted Hamentashen Ruins Guam’s First Purim

2011-05-19T20:10:00.000-07:00

A recall of Prune Hamentashen tainted by rodent fecal matter may just ruin Guam’s first ever nationally celebrated Purim carnival.

Purim, for our Goyim readership (Do we have Goyim readership?), is the Jewish festival, commemorating the yet again deliverance of the Jewish peoples from nasty angry Arab types in the pre Cecil B Demille Biblical epic days.

It is traditionally celebrated with the Hamentashen, a sweet cookie with poppy seeds and a delicious prune filling.

It is written in the ancient, Talmud text that Queen Esther, severely constipated because of constant worry and guilt, ate only these ingredients as prescribed by the Royal household’s trainer and personal nutritionist, Hans Dexler.

The recall has left Guam sadly and suddenly Hamentashen-less. Bakers are eagerly awaiting ingredients to be shipped from the Mainland. The island's few erotic bakeries have made do with some structurally similar bachelor party cakes.

“Rats just have a thing for sweet prune filling,” said Guam’s Minister of Health, Dalia Yona. “The whole island is in mourning cause of those fucking rat finks. We believe it could have been a terrorist plot.”

Guam, surprisingly touts a population that is 47% Jewish. According to the latest census, most of these have been recent converts.

The Pacific protectorate was quickly evangelized by Old Testament believing missionaries soon after the first Micronesia Woody Allen Festival played to packed houses in the island nation’s capital.

The island saw conversion rates to Judaism skyrocket with neurosis and self loathing quickly following. In fact, New York therapists had to be flown in to help deal with the sudden emotional trauma.

“And now without our Hamentashen,” kvetched Ms. Yona. “We’re gonna have even more trauma to deal with. Oy!"

My Notes on the Robocop Remake

2011-05-03T23:10:00.000-07:00

Dear cobbling screenwritrs in Hollywood's rebooting tree. Here's how to make the Robocop remake totally awesome.

Like you wisely did in Salt, reverse the damn sexes. Have Nancy Allen riddled with bullets and made into the six million dollar server and protector. Thinking of her going all Rosie the Robot is seriously making my circuits jerk.

I'd do anything to see that honey gone metallic. DePalma, man, how could you have let that tasty piece of hamentashen go?

Free advise, Suits. Take it or leave it.

Tempest In A Teapot Scalds Tuscaloosa Woman

2011-04-19T20:11:00.000-07:00

Tuscaloosa, AL. A High Tea at the Tuscaloosa Ritz Hotel soon turned into tragedy when a small tempest formed in a teapot during a local chapter’s Red Hat Society Meeting, spilling the entire contents of Constant Comment onto the acting treasure’s lap.

According to Meteorologists, the weather anomaly came totally without warning. Hostess, Gwen Porter, a guest worker from London, however, wasn’t too surprised. There had been signs of a cyclone in a cream bowl earlier that day. The Red Hats were as usual making a huge fuss over nothing, complaining about the service and the quality of our scones. They certainly brought that storm in a teacup on themselves.

In a related story, the red hats would later that day attract the unwanted attention of some escaped 4-H farm animals when Bulls suddenly attacked the women as they visited the hotel’s fabulous china shop.

Your Screenplay Sucks #23

2011-04-04T00:16:00.000-07:00

How did the infected monkey possibly murder the detective with a Creamsicle in the middle of summer?!!

Your Screenplay Sucks #18

2011-04-03T23:54:00.000-07:00

If the robot was possessed by the ghost of the professor's wife, how did it suddenly learn to speak Urdu?

Anthony Bourdain Becomes Breatharian

2011-04-02T09:34:00.000-07:00

Celebrity chef and writer, Anthony Bourdain has shocked the Foodie community today, announcing his retirement from not only cooking, but also eating.

“I’ve gotten off heroin, I’ve given up crack. There’s no reason I can’t stop eating.” He told a bewildered but posh crowd at the James Beard Foundation.

The man who’s consumed everything from Bald Eagle eggs to gremlin twat to Sharktopus sushi, basically just got fed up after a 117-course tasting dinner gone wrong at David Chang’s new notorious-envelope-pushing-you’ll-never-get-a-reservation-in-3-billion-years-even-if-you-are-friends-with-Shakira-or-have-rubbed-a-fucking-magic-lamp outpost, Geins.

“The aged Andean Soccer Team jerky just didn’t go down right.” Bourdain explained. “I prayed for explosive dysentery. But, that taste will never leave my palate – or my soul.”

Breatharianism is the spiritual belief that man can live without food water and be sustained solely by the energy of the sun.

“I’ve been feeling fucking great.” claims the already rail-thin Bourdain. “I feel happy and peppy and bursting with love! I only have a little trouble at night, during eclipses and pretty much all the fucking rest of the time.”

Stark's Tips For Dating A Mermaid

2011-03-19T22:18:00.000-07:00

When meeting your mermaid girlfriend's parents for the first time, you should be very complimentary of their tridents.

Most mermaids are very shy and perfer to take things slow. You'll be lucky to get a few fin jobs the first couple of months.

Two things to watch out for when a mermaid is having her period: PMS and Sharks.

When a Mermaid is having her period, it's usually called her Manhattan cycle. When she is having a yeast infection, it's refered to as New England.

I don't mind going down on my mermaid girlfriend. As long as I have a packet of saltines handy

My Mermaid girlfriend douches with vinegar, chips and a newspaper cone.

People with moderate to severe shellfish allergies should refrain from such interspecies dating.

Never, ever, ever ask her for just a little head.

Florida, Meet Your New Governor.

2011-03-14T14:18:00.000-07:00

Meet the new boss, not quite the same as the old boss.

At My Bookstore - Basil Rathbone Signed Book and Letter

2011-03-11T08:01:00.000-08:00

In and Out of Character HC DJ First edit Signed and inscribed Best Wishes Basil Rathbone

Double Day NY 1962 Some tanning on signature Slight rubbing/wear on top of DJ. Please see pictures. Also have a signed Rathbone letter on auction here as well.

Signed letter with a PS note from Basil Rathbone to A NYC Drama Teacher ? in 1964. Very detailed, including news of his travels, manangement info, fees and needs to do a lecture.

Notice signature stuck off in the side. Scans can be emailed to you.

TEA PARTY TARGETS TOWN’S EVIL CLOWN, PENNYWISE

2011-03-09T12:44:00.000-08:00

The Tea Party Express rolled into Derry, Maine today, putting the town’s resident evil clown, Pennywise, in their crosshairs.

Maine T.P. spokeswoman, Michelle Brock, said that “We have nothing against nice, patriotic, rodeo, Red Skelton and Emmett Kelly type clowns. But, we won’t stand for death panel, granny killing, tax and spend, socialist, Muslim, Nazi ones in our state. Pennywise has got to go!”

Derry is like many small towns in America, plagued with a blight of closed factories, foreclosed homes, high unemployment and an ancient evil which wakes to feed every 30 years.

“He claims to have been here before the foundation of the town,” she said. “So, where’s his birth certificate? I don’t think he’s even an American.”

When asked for comment, Pennywise just laughed – maniacally. "There's plenty of room for all of us to float down here."

According to film producer and giant spider expert, Jon Peters, “The Tea Party has once again misspelled their signs. Pennywise has always been a staunch supporter of GOP causes and has frequently been photographed with his older brother, Dick Cheney.”

Latest Pitch

2011-03-08T17:27:00.000-08:00

Precious, The Vampire Hunter: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.

Bruce Willis to Star in Djinn and Tonik

2011-03-04T17:00:00.000-08:00

Grizzled New York Cop, Karl Tonik (Willis), finds he may be just a little bit racist after all when he’s assigned to guard the new Islamic Community Center, while breaking in new partner, Djinn, a three thousand-year-old Genie (The voice of Aziz Ansari) who's been cramped behind a desk for way too long.

It’s enough to have him hitting the bottle again!

Need A Movie Title? Pick Up A Clash Album.

2011-03-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

Yes, I’m graciously giving away more of my infinite screenwriting wisdom gratis. Like Cinderella’s slipper, finding the prefect fitting title for your flick isn’t always easy. Ya gotta know where to look. I pretty much always look to my record collection first.

The Clash, The only band that mattered, definitely has ample ammunition to choose from. I spotted half a dozen nifty titles just from Sandinista alone.

So, unless you’re writing Romcoms, let’s nail down an awesome title for your script. I just don’t wanna disgrace Joe Strummer’s memory by naming a J.Lo project after one of his classics. Know your rights!

Carreer Opportunities, 48 Hours and The Magnificent Seven have unfortunately already been used.

I’m So Bored with the USA – Michael Cera as a dissed-disenchanted-disenfranchised youth who moves to Prague to teach English, meet hot foreign chicks and avoid getting tortured to death in the cheap hostel he found in an outdated Let’s Go Europe.

White Riot – The Sarah Palin/Tea Party Story

Police and Thieves – Something Michael Mannish. You’ve also got Police on My Back, I Fought The Law, Robber Dub and Washington Bullets.

Garageland – Either a “Let’s Start a Band” flick or a bad husband forced to live in his man cave till the divorce papers are signed. Put Jessie James in it and you got a deal.

Tommygun – Prohibition era gangster epic.

All The Young Punks – Gritty neo noir.

Julie’s Been Working For the Drug Squad – Find a new Jennifer Jason Leigh for Rush 2. See also Junkie Slip.

Rudie Can’t Fail – A look at Ska culture, a Sean Astin football sequel, or a bio pic of Giuliani's ruined presidential campaign.

Death Or Glory – A blazing guns War flick.

Lover’s Rock – Okay, we might have found a romcom in their back catalogue.

Lost in The Supermarket – Why make movies about board games when you can tie-in one about the stuff we have to buy everyday. I see Oscar Meyer, Mrs. Paul and Captain Crunch as your main protags.

Train In Vain – Matthew Broderick as the Good and Plenty engineer, Choo Choo Charlie. Ya gotta think synergy, kids. Synergy!

Silicone on Sapphire – Musical! Iowa farmgirl goes to LA to live out her dreams of starring in the Showgirls sequel.

Hitsville UK – Hopefully a better rock n roll flick than Pirate Radio.

Junco Partner – Cajun infused sex comedy.

Ivan Meets GI Joe – Another noisy Michael Bay in Toyland moneymaker.

Rock the Casbah – Cause we really do need another Iraqi War picture.

Should I Stay or Should I go – Cripes, another Romcom title!!!!

Car Jamming – Finally that Nic Cage /Vin Diesel Project we’ve been eagerly awaiting.

Cool Under Heat – Bruce Willis in a Miami Cop pot boiler.

Armageddon Time – Something Post-Apocalypto. See also The City of The Dead.

1-2 Crush on You – Teen Matheletes romance or Cloverfield 2.

Groovy Times – This one is so good just force whatever piece of shit you’re writing to fit it!

(White Man) in Hammersmith Palias – All I know is I wanna see Michael Sheen in it.

Bad Query Letters - Young Caligula

2011-02-20T21:38:00.000-08:00

YOUNG CALIGULA

Dear Gate Keeping, Smoking Hot, Babylonian Goddess of a Secretary,

It’s hard to get ahead in Hollywood. Just a few years ago you could have easily banged your boss a mere few months and quickly began your whorific ascent up the studio ladder. But, now, alas, even Tinsel Town has gotten some morals. It’s like Pat Robertson bought ever studio in town and threw saltpeter and guilt into the ventilation systems. No one is schtupping their way to success anymore. It’s sad — It’s like the whole world has turned upside down. Fucking Letterman!

Well, if you can’t blow your boss for a promotion, you can at least blow his mind with this script!

Inspired by the world’s greatest filmmaker, Bob Guccione, YOUNG CALIGULA, tells the story about Rome’s wackiest emperor when he was just another zit-faced, hormone raging, royal teenager. Only, instead of doing the usual period piece schtick of everyone one speaking in a clipped British accent, Chubby Caligula and his homies will speak like the rest of us – Kevin Smith, Judd Aptow and Sarah Softspoken Silverman.

I mean, let’s keep things real. Those mother fucking Romans didn’t speak like James Mason. They surely sounded like Jonah Hill. When James Mason says “Boner”, it sounds like he’s talking about a mistake. When Jonah says “Boner”, you know what kind of meat he’s talking about!

So, young Caligula and his buddies, Cera and Galifianaki, have finally been invited to an orgy thrown by the captain of the Chariot Team, Drunkus Maximus. But to gain entrance they must pass seven challenges, one being to pick up the booze. Which, of course, is nearly impossible cause they’re not only underage, but it’s Sunday! Hilarity and tragedy, the two-faced Janus of every good tale, will ensue.

Young Caligula’s philosophy teacher, Fudget Packerus, agrees to help, but at price — the rectal virginity of his shy best friend, Cera. Is this big night of decadence and debauchery worth sacrificing a bud’s budding flower of a butt-hole over? This is the great moral dilemma that rockets this character driven story to its feel good climax. I know Dieu Ex Machina is Greek, but do you think any American teenage would knows the difference??? Ask them to point out Assganistan on a map. They can’t do it!

I see Young Caligula being filmed in 3D. Not only cause of the fabulous cast of juggs touted around like some Busby Berkeley musicals number, but we’ll need to find the guy with that Fire hydrant sized dong from the first movie. Imagine that monster popping out at you! Man, talk about UP.

So, if you fast track my script, I guarantee I will return the favor with a night of unbelievable, bed breaking pleasure. Hollywood may have morals, but I don’t. I will make you love me!

Herbert Glasser
Harmony Pre School
Tempe, AZ

Josh Holloway Slated For Paramount’s Trouble.

2011-02-15T20:05:00.000-08:00

Josh Holloway has left Lost Island only to find himself in the midst of Paramount’s Trouble, the cinematic adaptation of Kohner’s popular board game.

Holloway will play a small town sheriff who finds his jurisdiction suddenly trapped under a giant dome after an Indian casino and race track breaks ground on land once home to a sacred, Protestant country club.

Unseen forces move the trapped townsmen around the track while their opponents try to send the others back.

The unfortunate locals not only feud over food and water but also must avoid the giant pair of tumbling dice that wreak havoc on the town.

Producer Joel Silver boasts that not only will Trouble be filmed in 3-D but also in the newly developed Pop-o-matic!!!

Babar Leads 2012 Iowa Caucus Poll

2011-02-14T20:14:00.000-08:00

Birthers have been oddly quiet about how a French, fictional monarch is suddenly the frontrunner in the 2012 Republican Presidential Primaries.

Iowa Republican Party Chairman, Rourke Welch, told Naughty Kvetchings, that “Well, not only is Babar easily identifiable as our grand party’s symbol, but his elemental command of the English language, his hatred of rhinoceroses and the fact that he’s married to his cousin endears him to most of our base. Plus, he looks pretty damn good when we dress him up in a suit.”

Tweet Pulp #5 Experiments in mini fiction

2011-02-03T22:29:00.000-08:00

The Intergalatic Moyel could not perform the underwater bris on General Zad's son because of the odd number of tentacles #tweetpulp

Tweet Pulp #4

2011-02-03T22:25:00.000-08:00

The King struggled to pull Excaliber from the stone resulting in a rectal prolapse that no magician in the kingdom could repair #tweetpulp

Tweet Pulp # 3

2011-02-03T22:23:00.000-08:00

For his queen, The barbarian martinized his trenchcoat without a coupon as the astrologists predicted. #tweetpulp.

Tweet Pulp # 2

2011-02-03T22:19:00.000-08:00

The Reptile King wept as he put the conch shell to his lips. It tased faintly of the dried oceans and his mother's kugel #tweetpulp

Tweet Pulp # 1

2011-02-03T22:07:00.000-08:00

Before the vaccine could take effect, Captain Trimble's chest cavity resembled an Advent Calendar but without the chocolates. #tweetpulp

The Many Coups of King Vitamin

2011-01-22T17:34:00.000-08:00

After protestors in Vitaministan stormed their tiny country’s castle and guards shot roughly 75 people, Ross Atinafato has proclaimed himself the new king, King Vitamin IV. Here are excerpts from his interview:

Newsweek: What actually cased the outbreak of violence?

King Vitamin IV: A number of reasons. Corruption. Political repression. Shortages of our precious national resource, Riboflavin.

Newsweek: You said you would not extend the military base rights for the U.S.

King Vitamin IV: We are opposed to your current’s president’s High Fructose-Deterrence Strategy. Mr. Obama you are a newcomer. Wait until the milk is poured and get some experience.

Newsweek: What about rumors of Vitaminstan pirates operating off your coast?

King Vitamin IV: We are a small country without a navy, founded on strong Quaker Principles. We welcome NATO’s help in finally defeating this scourge, Crunch and his damned crunch berries. So, would you like to have breakfast? Breakfast with the King?

Newsweek: You have already been accused as being just as harsh as your predecessor.

King Vitamin IV: What? Does it look like I cut out this cockamamie crown from the back of a cardboard box?

Obama Angers Roman Catholics by Canceling Prince Spaghetti Day

2011-01-16T23:15:00.000-08:00

President Obama continued his lofty liberal agenda to separate Church from State last week by canceling Prince Spaghetti Day, an American, Roman Catholic tradition usually held every Wednesday since the early 50s.

Protesters in Boston’s North End joined their generally Papist-hating Teabagging brethren by holding a rally at City Hall today with the usual amount of unchecked anger, misspelled signs and damned difficult to open jars of tomato sauce.

Fearing a similar presidential salvo, entrepreneur, Mrs. Paul, hired famed super Lobbyist, Jack Abramoff, to influence Congress in keeping the mandatory Fish on Fridays Laws on the books.

Newly Appointed Health Czar, the disembodied head of Dr. Robert Adkins, could not be reached for comment.

True Blood Libel or 30 Days of Nights of Passover

2011-01-13T12:32:00.000-08:00

George Soros and his clan of Jewish vampires descend on the small town of Wasilla, Alaska in search of hearty ingredients to make their secret matzah.

Can the disgraced, former Governor and Jew Huntress get over her victim mentality, plow forward and reload to save America from this blood thirsty scourge?

Based on Glenn Beck's new book, Chicken Soup For The Protocols of The Elders of Zion.

On Sale At My Bookstore - Signed Pro Football It's Ups and Downs

2011-01-11T07:52:00.000-08:00

Signed Pro Football It's Ups and Downs Dr. March

Second Edition 1939 has 30 signatures on the first page - many have become hall of famers. - - some foxing, red boards

Signed by:

Len Barnum, Cliff Battles, Dale Burnett,
Joseph Cannul, Pete Cole, Frank Cope,
Ed Danowski, Nello Falaschi, Chuck Gelatka
Ward Cuff, Al Owen, Mel Hein, Jim Lee Howell,
Larry Johnson, John Karcis, Jiggs Kline
Ed Lindell , Gus Mauch (trainer, John Mellus
Eddie Miller, Doug Oldershaw, Ox Parry
Jim Poole, Leland Shaffer Kink Richards
Hank Soa, Ken Strong, Orville Tuttl, Bill Walls
Tarzan White

Everyone I could identify was a NY Giant except Battles, who was formerly a Redskin and was coaching Columbia University in the 1939 – 1940 time when this was signed

Sometimes I Forget Not To Panic After Drinking Beet Juice!

2011-01-01T22:01:00.000-08:00

Years of Augmentative Surgery Has Taken Toll on Burger King

2011-01-01T11:50:00.000-08:00

Once a fair and friendly ruler, the Burger King has undergone years of surgery in his obsessed quest to look more regal. He’s had experimental shin transplants in Paraguay that’ve added close to two feet to his height and extreme facial reconstruction that has given him a ghoulish, mask like appearance.

Warren Croc, the American ambassador to Burgeria wonders if all these medical procedures have finally affected the leader’s psyche. “He was once an amiable, chap.” recalls Crock. “Now, he’s a complete madman, pulling mean-spirited practical jokes on his public. Running around with airhorns, hiding behind corners, slipping pretty, blonde tourists roofies. I’ve seen him transform into quite the dictator. He’s pretty much of a dick now. Look at the millions of tax dollars the BK is spending just on bling.”

More Sleigh Bell!

2010-12-20T07:31:00.000-08:00

Happy Holdays From Naughty Kvetchings.

Little Lotta kicks cute Lulu's Ass!

2010-12-12T21:45:00.000-08:00

Who wouldn’t have crush on Sydney Poitier? He basically brought hundreds or innocent schoolgirls from crayons to Perfume.

Everyone but that Big Bull Dyke, enormously well appetited, definitely Germanic, Little Lotta.

She just absolutely went bat shit crazy when her gal pal Lulu suddenly broke into that schmaltzy song during their final school dance. The one she fought the fucking schoolboards so fucking hard to bring her girlfriend to.

Then and there, Little Lotta’s special friendship with the pixieish singer came to an abrupt, heart crashing end.

The time for their long last looks were now over. She was indeed losing her best special friend to that guest worker moulinyan from British Guinea. How could she possibly giver her heart to that phony charmer?

It was just too soon after she had lost her special friend, Dot, who went on to Westchester to join a special school for young mutants using her ability to throw assorted polka dots all over the place for the good of mankind.

So Little Lotta just snapped. And hammerlocked her former lover, pulling off that truly horrid, Holiday Inn Keychain of an earring and causing severe spinal injury.

After years or rehabilitation, Lulu and fellow pop singer, Dusty Springfield have become life parters. Little Lulu went back to East Germany to coach their Olymic wrestling team to nine consecutive winning seasons.

Little Dot who fell into one of her black hole polka dots has never been seen or heard from since.

My Girlfriend Doesn't Get Me Part 16

2010-11-23T19:11:00.000-08:00

I asked for The Anarchist Cookbook, she brought me Rachael Ray's Ten Minute Meals.

John Boehner Helps Nasa

2010-11-20T11:22:00.000-08:00

His orange tears can supply enough daily Tang for 18 astronauts.

Natural Health News

2010-11-20T11:16:00.000-08:00

John Boehner's skin discovered to be nature's most powerful antioxidant!

Housekeeping Finds 1,000 Monkeys With Typewriters in James Frey's Room.

2010-11-13T12:43:00.000-08:00

Pisssed cause he's paying them more than me!

Yet More Noir Dames

2010-11-07T21:18:00.001-08:00

The redhead played me alright. Played me like a Milton Bradley's Simon with dying batteries.

Even More Noir Dames

2010-11-07T12:06:00.000-08:00

She had lips that could suck a ship right out of a bottle.

More Noir Dames

2010-11-07T12:04:00.001-08:00

She had gams like Jacob's Ladder -- So, I had her clean the gutters.

Noir Dames

2010-11-07T11:54:00.000-08:00

She came into my juke joint with a 45. And, there I was without a spindle.

Currently Ghostwriting the Memoirs of Mrs. Muir.

2010-11-06T21:46:00.000-07:00

Former Symbionese Liberation Army Member Working On Children’s Book

2010-11-05T06:22:00.000-07:00

Here’s an exclusive excerpt:

A is for Acid
When You Can’t leave A Trace

B is For Balaclava
You put over your Face

C is for Cobra
Sprouting Seven Heads

D is for Denouncing Your Former Life
Right before Bed.

The author, still incarcerated, is having trouble getting a publisher. "Hell, they even let that terrorist, Glenn Beck write a friggin; Christmas book."

The Bilderberg Group thanks you for voting

2010-11-04T15:41:00.001-07:00

Your Screenplay Sucks #33

2010-11-04T09:07:00.000-07:00

The Map to the Elephants Graveyard tattooed under the toenail of the girl your protagonist just picked up in the last Starbucks standing after the Marrakesh Earthquake just a wee bit convenient.

Your Screenplay Sucks #21

2010-11-04T00:12:00.000-07:00

Please, I don't care if you're their nephew. No one will want to see "Hall and Oates on Mars".

Elect More Orange People

2010-11-03T23:20:00.000-07:00

Need an Awesome Movie Title? – Just Try Some Warren Zevon Lyrics.

2010-11-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

I’ve been listening to Excitable Boy over and over the past few days and it’s a bountiful bonanza of bitchin’ movie titles.

If you’re hard pressed finding the perfect moniker for your screenplay, try a few of these on for size:

I Hear Woodrow Wilson’s Guns – A grand oater

Veracruz is Dying – A western or maybe a gang banger flick.

Tenderness on the Block – Another romcom for J.Lo or a coming of age weeper.

Lawyers, Guns and Money – Why hasn’t this been used yet?!!!

Dad, Get Me Out Of This – Ferris Bueller type teen romp or The George W. Bush Story.

She Was With the Russians Too – Cold War Spy Comedy

Nighttime in the Switching Yard – Noir, Noir Noir.

Accidentally like A Martyr – Small indie all over it.

Shadow Love – Contained thriller.

Random Love – Sex Comedy

Werewolves of London – Okay, a remake.

The Hairy-Handed Gent – Fantasy or a bad date story.

Draw Blood – For the next ultra-violent Tarantino wannabe.

Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner – Russell Crow in the jungle with a big ass weapon. Jake Busey as the son-of-a-bitch Van Owen

They’ll be Rocking in the Projects –Music teacher beating the band and the odds in an inner city school

Excitable Boy – I see Jonah Hill as that said boy!

America Has a Lot To Learn From Its Zombies

2010-10-30T09:12:00.000-07:00

To a Zombie, regardless of race, color, creed, national origin, ancestry, sex, religious or political affiliation, age or sexual orientation, we are just food! America has a lot to learn from its Zombies.

Come Nov 2nd, lurch slowly to the polls and vote like one!

Dearborn, Michigan Under Sharro Law!

2010-10-18T07:05:00.000-07:00

Yum. Sharro! Guess Sharon Angle is dyslexic.

This Week on Discovery – Todd Palin, Monster Hunter

2010-10-16T22:31:00.000-07:00

Tired of running over endangered Caribou on his snowmobile, the Former Alaskan First Dude and gentleman sportsman is looking forward to a new challenge -- searching and destroying cryptozoological creatures on his new Discovery Channel Reality show, TODD PALIN, MONSTER HUNTER, with co-hosts Nick Cage and Charlton Heston’s ghost.

Chupacabras, Yetis, Pixies, Radioactive Tape Worms, Big Foots, Loup-Garous and Loch, Lake and assorted Sea Monsters better watch out cause the Toddster is gonna be gunning for ya.

According to Palin, hunting, fishing and throwing dynamite into ponds of Mermen is a basic American core value – like beating up sissies.

“Hey. I’m up for killing some extreme shit.” he told us, “Until my wife gets to be president, I can’t legally hunt down immigrants and Inuits. This should tide those craving till 2012. Plus, I’m doing my part, keeping our borders safe. I mean Sharktopusses have killed a dozen surfers already and who know how many snowboarders have been buggered Prep School style by them damn Yetis.”

“The Bible and our Founding Fathers strictly forbids Bestiality, so as a red-blooded American, I’m gonna fight these beasties with everything I’ve got.”

“Let me tell you about Big Foot. It wasn’t so fucking big. Not like those Hollyweird liberals portrayed him on the Six Million Dollar Man and Harry and The Henderson. You don’t want that hairy monstrosity anywhere near your subdivision. I did America a favor by blowing it’s fucking brains out. And, Sarah made a delicious stew out of him.”

How does Palin enjoy hunting alongside his legendary co-hosts? “Well, it took some getting used to working with a spook and a liberal.” he said. popping yet another Molson (his favorite domestic brew). “But that’s what the Republican Party is all about. Bi-Parmesan, inclusiveness and clubbing a unicorn with it’s own horn till it bleeds out of its eyes and asshole.”

YOUR MONEY -- WAYS TO PROFIT FROM THE REPUBLICAN TAKEOVER

2010-10-02T09:27:00.000-07:00

It doesn’t take a weatherman to see which way the mighty wind is blowing. Checking Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin’s stock portfolios, it’ll be wise to put what’s left of your money in what they’ve just invested in. You too can become rich the good, old fashioned, WASPY WAY -- by doing absolutely nothing.

1. Invest heavily in Halliburton.

2. Buy a Wire Hanger Factory.

3. Short All keffiyeh producing companies.

4. Start adopting Mexican Landscapers to legally sell off later.

5. Learn Chinese.

6. Invent Permanent White Face.

7. Become Ghostwriter for a lazy ass conservative pundit.

Free Enchanted Monkey's Paw in Specially Marked Boxes of Honeycombs

2010-09-26T13:01:00.000-07:00

Follow these misadventures now on twitter

http://twitter.com/search?q=%23monkeyspaw#search?q=%23monkeyspaw

Must be buried immediately in backyard with a size 10 slipper, a dash of paprika and all your Boney James cds. #Monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Bureau of Enchanted Objects finally telexes me about their massive Monkey Paw recall of 1975. Sez "Do Not Make Wish!" #Monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Nicolas Cage making obscene offers to buy my enchanted Monkey's paw. No, I won't trade it for your hermaphrodite Komodo Dragon #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Speechless Maria Osmond strangely attracted to one-armed men. Felatio forseeable. Thank you enchanted Monkey's paw. #monkeyspaw
1 minute ago via web

Wish she would just shut up already. Great. There it went. #monkeyspaw
7 minutes ago via web

Down to one wish. Maria Osmond biitching about Exile On Main Street. #monkeyspaw
8 minutes ago via web

Enchanted Monkey paw instructions not in Farsi but ancient Mormon text. Wish Maria Osmond was here to help. Oh, shit! #monkeyspaw
13 minutes ago via web

M.Night Shyamalan faxes over Cease and Desist orders over current Tweets. Can't help that my life is so supernatural. #monkeyspaw
44 minutes ago via web

Trying now to reach Customer Service at General Mills. Perhaps crazy Uncle Arthur was right. They are owned by the Devil! #monkeyspaw
about 1 hour ago via web

Be careful what you wish for. Strange rash gone. Whole left arm has vanished. Hard to pick nose now and read newspaper. Damn #monkeyspaw
about 1 hour ago via web

Wish this strange rash would go away. #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Rubbing enchanted monkey's paw found in cereal box. Getting a strange rash. Must be allergic to damn monkey fur. #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Damned instructions are in Farsi. How does one wish upon an enchanted monkey's paw anyway? Do ya rub it? #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Cereal seems a bit stale. Hope the free monkeyspaw still works #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

It came free in an old box of Honeycombs. WIth enough boxtops one can get an Osmonds Record #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Free enchanted monkey's paw found in cereal box. What should I wish for? #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Chloe Moretz to star in Help, My Imaginary Friend Has Amnesia and Bad Gas

2010-09-14T07:14:00.000-07:00

Yet another Michael Stark

2010-09-07T21:56:00.000-07:00

Lame Ass Movie Pitches # 155 -- Kitty Carlisle, Vampire Killer

2010-09-05T10:41:00.001-07:00

Proving her deductive prowess on What’s My Line and I’ve Got A Secret, Kitty Carlisle is tapped by J. Edgar Hoover to hunt Commie Vampires in New York’s Theater District.

Lame Ass Pitches #124 -- Dystopian Gillespie, a Sci Fi Musical

2010-09-02T11:17:00.000-07:00

In a bleak future where all art is banned, one brave man picks up a trumpet.

CBS TO SIGN CHEAP TRICK TO PLAY THE SUPERBOWL IF BUN E. CARLOS STOPS SMOKING

2010-08-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

The tiny grassroots Facebook-based movement to get Cheap Trick to play the Super Bowl blossomed to giant-sequoia-tree-size proportions after Half The Who wholly sucked. CBS, like Fox News before them, has caved to the populist pressure of the people and agreed to book them only if certain conditions are met.

Both CBS and the NFL have issued some guidelines to the famous Rockford, Illinois quartet. In deference to Michelle Obama’s new Childhood Obesity and Nasty & Filthy Habit Task Force, the super group will have to apply some super changes before taking the big stage.

Lovable drummer Bun E. Carlos must not only shed a few pounds, but stop smoking behind his set of skins. “The Superbowl is the most highest watched event in television. This does not provide a good image for the youth of our country,’ says a CBS spokesman. “Sure, you can drink beer, party with half-naked chicks and let your baby trade stocks online, but smoking and being a chub? Never!

Tom Peterson will have to trade down his 12 string bass for something less mutantly awesome like one with four or five strings. CBS concluded that children would immediately want to emulate the bassist and that would be an instant gateway to listening to avant-garde jazz and shooting smack.

Rick Neilsen will have to wear Lee Jeans, a new sponsor for the games. He is strictly forbidden to wear anything with vertical or horizontal lines, spots, checks, fugly sweaters, houndstooth, suspenders or polka dots as the half time show will be shown in High Definition and CBS legal is worried about his clothing causing a nation wide epidemic of epileptic fits.

According to CBS, Robin Zander is fine. Real, real fine.

Lame Ass Movie Pitches # 112 -- Foul Mouthed Slacker, Jonah Hill, Finds Enchanted Yeti Penis in Goodwill Bargain Bin and is Chased by Triad Mobsters

2010-08-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

Jack Black as the voice of the castrated Yeti.

Pete Townshend Announces His New Rock Opera – Tomei

2010-08-21T00:20:00.000-07:00

“Tomei can you hear me? Can you feel me near you?
Marisa can you feel me? Can I help to cheer you?”

A longtime and rabid fan of the Oscar winning actress, legendary rocker, Pete Townshend has unveiled a new rock opus dedicated to his obsession with all things Tomei.

Basically, the album is about a legendary rocker who has lost his ability to perform. Then, in the green room of a late night talk show, he suddenly meets his muse. She smashes the mirror and opens the door of his heart, allowing him, for a brief moment, while backed by Paul Schaeffer and his Late Night Band, to suddenly soar as a rock wizard again.

Admitting to a massive crush on the actress since seeing her “In My Cousin Vinnie”, the famed musician just couldn’t erase the image of Marisa Tomei, laying naked, Ken Russell Style, in a bathtub full of beans. Heinz Baked Beans.

“I often think of beautiful women in bathtubs full of Heinz Baked Beans.” He told us. “Ever since the war. Well, they are the musical fruit.”

“I had to write this thing. I had to exorcise those demons. Look at her. Isn’t she just luscious? She’s like a peach. A good peach. Not one of those spotty peaches where you take a bite and -- yuch, -- have to spit it right out into a napkin. And, then you take another bite and it’s the same bloody thing. Bite. Spit. Bite. Spit. Like you never learn.”

“I’m thinking of going the whole magilla with this one. Album. Tour. Movie. Broadway Show. Deluxe Addition Album. 20th Anniversary Tour. A movie of the Broadway Show. A Broadway Show of the movie. I think we can get Elton and Tina and Eric and Ann to join us on this.”

“Roger is game.” Says Townshend. “Hell, Daltry is game for anything these days. It’s not like there’s gonna be another shot at the Super Bowl or a new CSI show for us to do the opening credits for.”

When asked to comment on being the inspiration of such an iconic, musical collaboration, Miss Tomei merely asked “Who?”

Freakies Versus Keebler Elves Over Cramped Tree Workplace

2010-08-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

After an invasion of lumberjacks, Gypsy Moths and greedy Unobtanium miners have killed off all the kitchen accessible trees in the forest, Elves and Freaks fight over the last remaining Oak.

Lame Ass Pitches # 146 -- Ben Stiller in Night at the Holocaust Museum

2010-08-10T16:51:00.000-07:00

Sarah Silverman costars as Anne Frank and Richard Dreyfuss as the fussy musuem director.

People will cry with laughter as that crazy Capuchin monkey gets into that damn pile of shoes.

Palin Peeved at Raunchy Rove Remark - Todd and I Got Plenty of Damn Gravitas Boats For Our Wedding

2010-07-28T21:01:00.000-07:00

Eli Roth to Direct The Glass Manicotti

2010-07-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

Handsome Gentleman Caller force fed shards of broken Pyrex by cracked, southern belle living in Hoboken.

Amy Adams and Adrien Brody to star. Tom Sizemore provides the voice of the Unicorn.

Lame Ass Movie Pitch #79 - I was a Vampire Hitman's Therapist.

2010-07-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

I see Alan Arkin or Nancy Allen as the therapist.

Todd Palin Hunts Mystical Creatures From Chopper

2010-07-10T08:31:00.000-07:00

Native American groups are up in arms with Todd’s Palin’s latest gory hobby, aerial hunting their native legends from a helicopter.

Palin, seemingly killing through the alphabet, has moved on from hunting wolves to Wendigos, a mythical spirit-animal of the Algonquian-speaking tribes in the northern United States and Canada.

Protestors around the former Governor’s ice palace, carried signs reading, “Leave our Mythology alone.” And “Let us kill our own damned Monsters.”

“I’m no racist,” countered Palin over a couple of frosted Rheingolds. “I just like to blast living things from way up on high. I’d even blast a fucking bald Eagle if I could. That’s why I’m so stoked about my pretty wife being our next president. To finally let me kill some really cool shit. Man, it’ll be sooo like the Most Dangerous Game.

(Editors Note: The Todster didn’t actually reference the movie classic, The Most Dangerous Game, but Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Hard Target. Everyone knows that neither of the Palins have ever seen a black and white movie, cause they’re frankly so damned unAmerican.)

Once he brings the Wendigo population to total extinction, he is looking forward to tacking Yetis next. “Too bad there ain’t any animals in the kingdom starting with the letter X, “ he sighed. “Someone already bagged that Malcolm dude.”

Scarlett Johansson to Star in Red Dawn Sonja

2010-07-01T17:53:00.000-07:00

Army brat and comic book geekette, Sonja, goes all D&D to save her beloved, small John-Cougar-Mellencamp-esqu town from a supposed Russian invasion.

Is this really WW3 or all just in her troubled, Fox News rattled head?

With Fred Thompson as the Mayor, Tom Savini as John Milius and C. Thomas Howell as asshole chopper pilot, John McCain.

Go Wolverines!

Lame Ass Pitches # 318 : Jueves -- It's a remake of Friday but set in the Barrio

2010-06-22T16:06:00.000-07:00

A lot can happen between Miercoles and Viernes.

Clam Pickle Vs. Captain Chutney Wombat

2010-06-18T20:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Ann Arbor Craig’s List,

I overheard you yesterday at the Davie Street Starbucks, approximately at 3:00 PM saying how you could draw.

As you were at a Starbucks in the middle of the afternoon, I imagine you can draw really good enough not to have to have a day job.

Good for you.

I’m hoping you are interested in illustrating my new comic book masterpiece, Clam Pickle Vs. Captain Chutney Wombat.

Can you draw superheroes? Can you draw muscles? Big muscles? Please send me a doodle of a dissected starfish if you’re interested in continuing.

You’ll need to know a little marine biology if ya wanna run with me on this one. The squeamish dare not apply.

See, Clam Pickle is a superhero. An Aquatic one. Like Aquaman. But, he’s also America’s first hermaphrodite superhero. Hell, it’s 2010. It’s about fricking time.

So, Clam Pickle is a little bit Submariner and a little bit Jamie Lee Curtis. A little bit country and a little bit rock n roll. A little bit clam and a little bit pickle.

Oh, I forgot to ask. Can you draw juggs. Really bug juggs. Like the gals from a King Conan paperback?

Hopefully your religious beliefs will not get in the way of drawing this rather graphic graphic novel.

So because of global warming or an oil leak or something, Clam Pickle is now based on dry land. He lives on a houseboat in Fort Lauderdale.

When some geeks get beat up during Spring break, they become the Secret League of Junior Mad Scientists and summon up the spirit of Captain Chutney Wombat with a drum, a piñata and a gator skull they unearthed from a sacred Indian burial mound and casino.

Captain Chutney Wombat is the spirit of an Nazi Doctor that experimented with gauchos and Guarani tribesmen in the jungles of Paraguay. He is an expert poisoner and an evil, vile villain.

Look, if you’re like me and wanna get out of Ann Arbor, please join me and Captain Pickle to get rich just as quick as we can crank out his next adventure.

I look forward to hearing from you.

I did notice that you were half or so Asian and hope you’re not married to drawing manga. I see Clam Pickle as more 70s Marvel than fucking manga.

Excelsior,

Harv Trubovitz
The Guy at the table behind you.
I am sometimes said to be a little smelly

Dee Snyder Finally Gets His Chance With Tipper Gore

2010-06-16T14:44:00.000-07:00

It was a crush that lasted over 25 years, but the Twisted Sister singer may finally get his chance with the about-to-be-former Mrs. Gore.

Back in 1984, they were sitting on polar opposite sides of the PMRC Rock Censorship Hearings. Snyder recalls many confusing, sidelong glances exchanged across the crowded Senate floor. The Long Island heavy metalist found her cute and perky even whilst she was grilling him.

“It was a very heated moment. Very heated. She gave off a lot of heat. I guess I’m into really strong, authoritative, heat-seeking-missile-kinda women.”

After all these years, the passion never quite faded. “Every time I shut my eyes, I’d see her beckoning, just wearing a few strategically placed ‘Parental Guidance: Explicit Lyrics’ labels.”

“But she was a married woman, man. I couldn’t tap that. It would be against everything I held holy and honorable in Rock ‘N’ Roll.”

“It’s kinda like what that geek, John Denver said during the hearings. ‘That which is denied becomes that which is most desired, and that which is hidden becomes that which is most interesting.’”

After hearing about the Gore’s separation on MTV news, Snyder felt both shocked and a little elated. “I’ve been waiting like forever for this, man. My chad has been left hanging for a long, long time.”

Tales My Degenerate Gambler Father Told Me -- The Elves and The Bookmaker.

2010-06-15T21:51:00.000-07:00

Peter Falk as my Dad. Ben Gazzara as the Bookie. Paul Reubens as the Elf Union leader.

Unsold at Auction -- Michael Stipe's Napkin Scribblings.

2010-06-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

Signs of more economic stagnation at Christie's Rock Memorabilia Auction last night as yuppies with burning wallets failed to bid on many items, including this rare cocktail napkin REM’s Michael Stipe scribbled his usually incomprehensible lyrics on.

We bring our readers these excerpts as a rare glimpse inside the workings of this ancient Athenian's mind:

Everybody Hurts.

Everybody Schleps.

Everybody Toots.

Everybody Poops.

Everybody Pooper Scoops.

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting

Everybody Hurts.

Everybody Have Fun Tonight.

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight,

Everybody Wets Their Bed Sometimes Cause They're too half asleep to get up and pee.

Everybody Shaves.

Everbody Loves Raymond.

Hold on, I'm writing here.

Everybody cries.

I said Hold on!

Everybody gonna cry when Kong dies.

Do you think he likes me?

Everybody Feels Like Dirt.

Everybody's Gone Surfin.

Everybody's Talking at me.

Even dogs.

They hurt too.

They're like tiny, furry peoples.

Lame Ass Movie Pitches #87 – Spoiled Pop Diva’s Bodyguard Falls For A Secret Service Agent With A Terminal Illness.

2010-06-12T21:11:00.000-07:00

Sony Execs were moved to tears when I picthed it but maybe it was just allergies.

Russ Meyer to direct Shake Weight – The Movie

2010-06-12T08:45:00.000-07:00

Sham Wow! It’s Hollywood’s current synchro-geist! Adapting late night infomercials to the big screen. Yesterday, Lionsgate announced that they’re bringing famed making-up-for-it-cause-I-was-never-damned-breast-feed Director, Russ Meyer back behind the camera where he belongs

Shake Weight – The Movie promises to be a titillating journey of a bored housewife, Adrienne Barbeau, who becomes rocket-cone shapely within mere moments of trying out this modern workout technology. With newly toned arms and newly toned empowerment, our heroine leaves the comfort zone of her snuggie cul-de- sac and seeks out fame and fortune, finding escaped Nazi Martin Bormann in the Swiss Alps and kicking his Jew-hating ass.

Meyer promises the movie will be damned bodacious juggernaut. Next project? Salma Hayek in The Pocket Fisherman.

Locomotive Breath Mints

2010-06-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

Yo, Chew Chew Charlie,

In that shuffling madness,

before ya kiss that Box Car Bertha or pick up that flute,

Ya better pop a Locomotive Breath Mint.

I mean it, Pal!

Takes the taste of coal and snot right out.

Zesty forest flavored.

You won't get to Conjunction Juction without 'em.

All time loser NO MORE!!!!!!

New, imported by Shrewsbury Tull Distributers.

Great Duets #347 - Constipation Blues

2010-06-11T20:49:00.000-07:00

Lame Ass Movie Pitches #91 – Baby Time Bomb: Ex Porn Star Adopts Chechnian Baby That’s Really A Nuclear Dirty Bomb

2010-06-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

Tick Tick Boom Boom

This is How It's Done Part 39

2010-06-02T17:48:00.000-07:00

The Non Emmy Winning Falco

2010-05-28T19:11:00.000-07:00

He's all dressed up but nowhere to go.

Racey Dashiell Hammett Story Unearthed – The Continental Trans Post Op

2010-05-28T18:16:00.000-07:00

Probably Miss Lillian Hellman didn't approve.

Coming Soon - Bruce Willis in Falcetti and Stone

2010-05-23T06:39:00.000-07:00

Falcetti and Stone

During a World Series Playoff, a record heatwave, a Papal visit, a subway fair hike, a citywide blackout, an escaped gorilla from the Central Park Zoo, a garbage strike, the kidnapping of the Mayor’s wife, uncontrollable fires in Flatbush, a gas shortage and a turf war between the Russian and Colombian mobs, Brooklyn Detective, Bruce Willis, is teamed with a rookie cop just transferred from Easter Island.

It's Gonna Be a Long Hot Summer

2010-05-19T14:02:00.000-07:00

Enjoy, Friends.

Ryan Reynolds in New Contained Thriller - Sukkot

2010-05-13T21:59:00.000-07:00

Sukkot – Ryan Reynolds stars as a nice goyim boy converting to Judaism for his beautiful Fiancée, Sarah Silverman, in this new contained thriller, filmed soley in a flimsy Sukkah tent during a torrential Miami downpour. When their not-such-a-fucking-holy-day festival is threatened by skinheads, Ryan must protect his friends and soon-to-be family with merely his etrog and lulavs

Lame Ass Pitches #303 : Flap Jack McQuade -- Terrorists Burn Down Town During Fire Dept's Pancake Breakfast

2010-05-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

Watch him dispose of the bad guys with only a few links of turkey sausage!

Lame Ass Movie Pitches #83 – Time Traveler’s High School Reunion on Post Apocalyptic Planet

2010-05-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

Ray Bradbury High.

Great Philosophical Questions #16

2010-05-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

Do The Amish use Facebook? Twitter? Jdate?

Real Cool Stuff - Rolling Stones Rice Krispies Jingle

2010-04-30T14:53:00.000-07:00

Lame Ass Pitches # 306 : Sarcophagi -- A Necrophiliac, Hemophiliac Egyptologist Gets Locked in the Crypt He's Plundering

2010-04-28T15:29:00.000-07:00

A contained thriller with heart -- a heart pulled out through the nostrils.

Wind to Leave Earth, Wind & Fire To Pursue Political Career

2010-04-22T16:10:00.000-07:00

Wind has announced that he will leave the famed funk group Earth, Wind & Fire to pursue a career in politics. Like his fellow, thoughtful entertainer, Kal Penn, Wind, found that it was fine time to stop living the rock and roll lifestyle and give something back to his country.

“He is a crucial classical element and will be missed, replied long time band member, Earth. “I guess we can always rehire our former guitarist, Water. We hear he’s totally clean now. Just not so sure things between him and Fire have totally been patched up. For many years those two brothers just got along like oil and vinegar.”

After being introduced to the President by longtime funk fanatic, T. Boone Bootsy Pickens, Wind has agreed to head up Obama’s newly formed Department of Alternative Energy, Alchemy and Seriously Scary Spending. “I really respect the president,” said Wind, currently residing on a Danish turbo farm and surrounded by tall, awesome blondes with near perfect jawlines. “He truly is a shining star.”

The opportunity proved just too good for Wind to pass on.

When asked for his opinion, Fox News Commentator, Glenn Beck, was for once strangely silent. “I’m afraid I’ve never heard of the group, he said. “I’m just your average, angry white guy with a shitty record collection.”