Real Cool Stuff - Rolling Stones Rice Krispies Jingle

Lame Ass Pitches # 306 : Sarcophagi -- A Necrophiliac, Hemophiliac Egyptologist Gets Locked in the Crypt He's Plundering

A contained thriller with heart -- a heart pulled out through the nostrils.

Wind to Leave Earth, Wind & Fire To Pursue Political Career

Wind has announced that he will leave the famed funk group Earth, Wind & Fire to pursue a career in politics. Like his fellow, thoughtful entertainer, Kal Penn, Wind, found that it was fine time to stop living the rock and roll lifestyle and give something back to his country.

“He is a crucial classical element and will be missed, replied long time band member, Earth. “I guess we can always rehire our former guitarist, Water. We hear he’s totally clean now. Just not so sure things between him and Fire have totally been patched up. For many years those two brothers just got along like oil and vinegar.”

After being introduced to the President by longtime funk fanatic, T. Boone Bootsy Pickens, Wind has agreed to head up Obama’s newly formed Department of Alternative Energy, Alchemy and Seriously Scary Spending. “I really respect the president,” said Wind, currently residing on a Danish turbo farm and surrounded by tall, awesome blondes with near perfect jawlines. “He truly is a shining star.”

The opportunity proved just too good for Wind to pass on.

When asked for his opinion, Fox News Commentator, Glenn Beck, was for once strangely silent. “I’m afraid I’ve never heard of the group, he said. “I’m just your average, angry white guy with a shitty record collection.”

TV WE WANNA SEE!

Stephen J. Cannell presents Pippi Long-Silk Stalkings.

Leaving her small Swedish village, an all grown up Pippi moves to Palm Beach and joins the police force, investigating crimes of passion with the assistance of Mr. Nilsson, her aged, justice-seeking monkey.

As she already has the strength of ten policemen, Captain Hutch (Ben Vereen) has no problem with her simian partnership. “The woman can lift a cow,” he says. “You think she really needs any backup?”

The partners’s “Will they or won’t they” flirtations are sure to keep viewers hooked for years of syndication.

Using the rich and beautiful backdrop of Palm Beach, Cannell promises a ton of sexy danger every episode as well as the pigtailed Swede’s signature promiscuity, Loganberry martinis and the tiny hex wrenches she uses as hair braids.

Fans of the original show can rest assured that veteran star, Rob Estes, will return in a small role as Pippi’s Abba-obsessed neighbor, Christopher Lamas, who for some reason must eat every single meal at a Wendys.

Unicycle Made of Old Brillo Pads Hurts Oswego Resident’s Butt

Oswego, NY. A unicycle made entirely of old Brillo and steel wool pads did not ride well with one Oswego resident yesterday.

Karl Kuer, local who found the contraption in the back alley of a Fridays, decided to show off to his friends and ride the internal machine.

“This town doesn't have a mechanical bull.” Said Kuer. “This seemed like the next, best thing. Hell, I was drunk. And, I was losing my blind date’s interest by the minute. I thought this was sent down by the Gods just in time to get me laid.”

But it was not to be a smooth ride.

He was treated for minor bleeding hemorrhoids by the prostological hospital and should make a full recovery.

The fiend behind the unicycle of old Brillo pads has yet to be identified. It is believed it may be the same hoaxster responsible for the piñata full of rusty nails left at a 7/11 last May and the tetherball replaced with a rotted calf’s head at the Grovefield Park the month before.

Oswego Police are asking the public for help and warning area drunks to stay off any suspicious self-balancing apparatus.

George “The Animal Steele” Signed as the New Face of Lady Schick

Wilkinson Sword’s PR company confirmed today that iconic wrestler turned actor, George “The Animal” Steele, has signed on as Lady Schick’s new spokesman.

When asked by Stark Blogs for comment, the old, hairy son of a bitch got me in a hammerlock, did the big bite and then threw a chair at me.

“I couldn’t be more pleased.” He relented. “I’ll finally get to meet Halle Berry.

DRUNKEN ODE TO A GIANT GILA MONSTER

Your oversized reptile sucks!

You call that a giant Gila Monster?

I’m not scared of that.

In fact, here, Lizard, Lizard, Lizard.

You ain’t so threatening.

Taking a subway at 3Am is threatening.

Eating Fugu Fish at an all you can eat $7.99 Japanese Buffet is what I call threatening.

Not you, Hava Nagila Monster.

And, they say you arose after an Atomic Bomb blast?

There’s more radiation coming out of my cell phone.

And I wear an aluminum hat!

I’ll easily outrun you, GG, in my dune buggy.

Even with a surfboard mounted on the roof.

I can outrun you, giant Gila Monster in my fucking flip flops.

You are a sad excuse for a creature feature.

You are why they don’t make movies about monsterously giant, irradiated animals anymore.

You caused the damned Brendan Fraser Effect!

Whenever nature goes amok these days, it now must be cute and have Brendan Fraser in it.

Damned giant Gila Monster, you have destroyed cinema.

I’m going back to France to make real art without you.

I once loved you, Hiroshima Mon Amour.

Go slither back home, tall-for-your-class reptilian mouth breather.

Zzzax!!!

Chick Tract Magnet

Someone upstairs must have known my soul needed saving, cause I kept finding Chick Tracts everywhere I went.

In the can at just about every bar I frequented.

At the Off Track Betting.

In the purse I just stole.

Under my carrot slaw at the Chick-Fil-A

In my safety deposit box – How in Heaven did it get there?

In My Vegas High Rollers Suite.

On the floor of the getaway car for the Pittsburgh job.

In the dumpster behind the liquor store.

While I panicked in Needle Park.

Under every video rated R at the Blockbuster.

In a bowl of Shark Fin Soup at Wo Hops.

In The Time Capsule my high school class buried.

Too many assholes left them for me as tips when I worked at Al's Diner in Nutley, NJ.

I’m telling you. Always there. Always behind me. Where I ever went, that cartoons evangelist seemed to follow.

Well, I may be unlucky with cards and not doing so well with the ladies, but, thank, God, I’m a real Chick Tract Magnet.

..................................................................................

Of course. I hope once again not to have offended my rather religious friends and do hope to open further discussions with my agnostic and down right athiest readership about all the surreal, supernatural shit I've seen!

Bad Query letters -- BAR MITZVAH ROBOT!!!!!!

My friedn Kevin Madman @ http://kgmadman.wordpress.com has turned writing bad query letetrs into an art form.

I've contributed a few rather raunchy ones under my nom de plume.

But, somehow, old Kev refused to run my magnus opus of bad.

So, here tis:


BAR MITZVAH ROBOT!!!!!!


Dear Mishpokhe,

Thank God you’re still running Hollywood!

I’m hoping you still remember my Aunt, Bessie Futterman, who was your mother’s neighbor back before you moved off the Grand Concourse. You, of course, couldn’t possibly forget the delicious smells that crept down the hallway from apartment 6E. The scent of her kreplachs I’m sure are still wafting through the windmills of your mind. I know they’re still wafting through mine!

Well, I know you’re a busy man, so I’ll get right down to it. Here’s the, highly profitable movie I know you’ve been praying for.

Martin Greenblatt didn’t want a big party on his 13th birthday. He didn’t want a fountain pen. He didn’t want a savings bond from his beloved, Bubbie Esther. He didn’t even want a kiss from that cutie, Emma Stone.

All he wanted for his birthday was a Bar Mitzvah Robot.

Yes, a Bar Mitzvah Robot!!!!!!!

Not some cokamammie Transformer or that totally fagelah Iron Giant. But, a Bar Mitzvah Robot! A best friend, an ET and a Michael Jackson all rolled into one component. All made out of American steel and some simple electronics you can pick up from any neighborhood Radio Shack.

I see a whole line of movie merch, toy tie-ins and Kosher Happy Meals!!!!

When the undiagnosed-borderline-dyslexic Martin muffs his Torah Portion, his Farklempt prayers actually bring his metallic best bud to life! Can you imagine the look on the Cantor’s face as the Bar Mitzvah Robot suddenly outgrows the gift table and practically collapses the ceiling of the Flatbush Tivioli?

I see Jonah Hill providing the voice of the Bar Mitzvah Robot!!!!!

Yes, I know. You already think it’s a little too artsy-fartsy. So, it’s a little bit magical realism. It worked for Adam Sandler in Bedtime Stories.

Don’t tell me you don’t want another Bedtime Stories on your hands????

The rest of the tale I admit is a little sketchy. But, what else do you need? Just hire someone to connect the dots for an instant rock-em sock-em box office!

Three magic words -- Bar Mitzvah Robot!!!!!!!

It won’t take an Isaac Basiv Singer to bring this little story to life. Just hire a schmuck, like my nephew, Michael Stark, who once optioned a script or two to Disney. He’ll work for cheap, I’m sure.

So, do we have a deal or what?

Just contact your mom who’ll contact my Aunt who’ll contact me. Easy!

To Your Continual Good Prostate Health,


Hershell Gordon Rabinowitz
(Creator and owner of The Bar Mitzvah Robot idea)

Rare Sinatra and Seuss Collaboration

The Chairman of the Board and the famed Children’s Book author teamed up on a swinging project that was deemed way too hot for Whoville and scrapped before publication.

Here’s an except From The Way That Hoboken Cat Wears His Hat:

Now, comes a Sing Singer who’s the best of the best.


Are those eggs that he’s eating off that dead hooker’s chest?


Her skin has turned green likes them eggs I won’t touch.


Doc, you are oh such a square, I can tell you that much!

I too want a Japanese Ninja Skirt that would turn me into a Coke Machine to ward off attackers

I too want a Japanese Ninja Skirt that would turn me into a Coke Machine to ward off attackers.

CORMAN TO REMAKE THE TOMB OF ROBERT LOGGIA

Dateline Hollywood. Veteran filmmaker, Roger Corman, will revive his AIP production company with a remake of the chilling Poe story about a mournful man haunted by a crusty, Italian-American character actor.

Who would’ve played Iron Man if they filmed it in the 80s?

Tom Selleck?
or

Peter Weller?
Or

Tom Cruise
or

Pat Harrington
or

A sexy newcomer?

Please chime in!!!!

BeSesame Mucho

Kinky but kosher dreams of what Ken Russell could do with Ann Margaret and a bathtub full of halvah.

It brings me such Joyva.

Volcano Erupts Because of Kick-Ass Release

I guess I’m in Roger Ebert’s camp on this one. This flick is Clockwork Orange for kids. What has happened to our society? Maybe Rush was kinda-sorta right – Maybe the volcano erupted cause of the release of this movie! The God of good taste is really pissed!

I’m just relieved it wasn’t in 3-D to boot

Now, I’m not totally against ultra-violence or a good kick in the yarbles, but not with high school kids and especially not will an 11 year-old girl. At this rate that Serbian film will no longer be taboo. Yes, soon even two and half men will have a baby rape episode glide past the censors. When the does the envelope stop getting pushed and get put in the shredder?

At the tender age of eight, my dad took me to see Walkabout which I think is the defining moment of my warping. I guess he thought it was a Disney flick. It had nature in it -- and some rather graphic Nicolas Roeg shit that no child should be subjected to. Oh, well, what he did he know? We used to spend Divorced Dad Saturdays at the OTB.

So, with my sensibilities already Tarantinoed, I thought I’d rather enjoy Kick-Ass.

But, I left the theater feeling dirty. Telling my co-writer “That was perverse” (Yes, with the French pronunciation) and wondering if I should really be partnered with a dude who has already seen this piece of not quite garbage (hard to classify it) twice.

Don’t worry, Co-writing dude. You are the Chang to my Eng.

Is it cause I’m older now? Got Religion? Maybe I’ve lived down south too long. There are just some words you don’t say in polite company. And, when we first meet Hit Girl, she says that word that one must never utter – the one that would make even George Carlin’s rotting corpse blush.

Look, maybe you should know two or things about me. I like Kevin Smith when he is yacking on stage but I hate his movies. Who talks like that in real life? Really? Now, I know people no longer talk like in Preston Sturges movies or The Gilmore Girls, but I’d rather live in a word where they did.

I think the original Haunting (don’t get me started on the remake) that didn’t show anything was scarier than Drag me to Hell which needed a barf bag in the price of admission.

Am I no longer fan boy? Did I graduate from Manchildhood. Parents, lock up your children. Kick-ass was just wrong. And, like any forbidden fruit, they’re gonna sneak over a barbed wire fence just to get a bite.

That’s just my opinion. What do I know. I already downed two pear ciders hoping to wash some of those images off my retinas.

Foster and Baio To Reunite For Paramount's Bugsy Malone Sequel

Alan Parker is set to direct the Bugsy Malone Sequel, Bugsy Malone 3-D, for Paramount with Jodie Foster and Scott Baio to return in the parts that made them oh so famous.

“It's forty-something years later,” says Parker. “Prohibition is long over. It’s the summer of love in Chicago and within the backdrop of the infamous Democratic Convention, Bugsy is now dealing weed and Tallulah, a feminist, who would burn a bra if she needed one, has taken over Fat Sam’s territory.”

Parker promises that now there will be real guns instead of custard shooters. “This ain’t a kid’s movie this time around,” he says. “There will be corrupt politicians, dirty cops, hippies getting their skulls bashed in and a really hard hitting rock score. Instead of that shrimp, Paul Williams, we have two-thirds of the composers of High Musical 2 on board.”

Baio is eager not only to return to the big screen, but to see his co-star, Foster, again. “I might have been just a kid,” says the actor. “But I had a thing for Jodie bad. I’m kinda hoping something may rekindle here. Hell, I know she’s a snooty big hyphenate now, but, really, what chick can’t resist The Chachi? My bud, Willie Aames (Zapped and Eight is Enough), really thinks I have a good chance here. And, he’s Bibleman now. The dude has an incredible gift of discernment.”

Parker, who hasn’t directed a film since The Life of David Gale in 2003, leveraged himself on the project through good, old-fashioned nepotism after the Hasbro/Parker Brothers buyout of Paramount last year.

Dogs Playing Poker – The Movie!!!

Dogs Playing Poker – The Movie!!!

Forget Stagger Lee! Forget Rounders!! Forget the freaking World Series of Poker!!!

The next big, big movie is going to be my adaptation of the infamous, black velvet masterpiece, Dogs Playing Poker.

Hey, if they can make a smash Broadway play out of Seuret’s rather pointy “A Sunday Afternoon on the Island the La Grande Jatte”, why not use something your average I-may-not-know-about-art-but-I-know-what-I-like Joe might already have hanging on his wall?

It’s the Cincinnati Kid with pets!!!

Think of all of the crap we can sell!!!

Talking dogs. We can sell talking dogs. I mean -- Sit Ubu Sit – what kid wouldn’t want a smoky room full of canine cardsharks to interact with?

So, let’s check out the players.

I see Danny Devito as the street savvy and unscrupulous Bulldog. The stakes are high for Danny cause he owes a few thousand bones to the Russian mob. Will this be his Waterloo?

Then there’s Brian Cox as the St. Bernard that has seen it all. He knows all the tells.

And, Ricky Jay, as the collie, doing some Staccato David Mametisms while holding an ace up his flea collar the whole time.

Garfield (The voice of Billy Murray) and Clifford (The voice of Charles Grodin) have plans to knock over this friendly, neighborhood game. They were tipped off by a big-eyed waif named Keane who has thing for the bullfighter print she met at the tiki bar across the hall

Uh, oh, four of a kind meets the big bluff!!!

Joe Dante to direct. Am I right? And, we film in 3D to make that green felt table really pop!

Next week. Cooties -- The Sci Fi Thriller.

This is How It's Done

Coming Soon - Ryan Reynolds in Trapped

Ryan Reynolds in “Trapped”, a contained thriller/chick flick set in a porta potty during the Lilith Fair Tour.

Even if he gets out, he loses.

Pork Rinds and Applesauce

This is me trying to eat heart healthy in Georgia.

Hard to stay on the Peter Brady Diet down here.

Pokemon Character Found to Have Massive Mineral Deficiency

The adorable, Japanese equivalent of a Poker Playing Dog, Pikachu, Pokemon’s yellow, rodent mascot was rushed to the hospital yesterday after collapsing on the set of his new animated television show, Seth McFarlane’s The Groovy Brand New Adventures of Talking Shit That Makes Me Rich.

Doctors first believed the lovable character actor could be suffering from Heptatitis. “Well, he is awfully yellow,” said a hospital spokesman. “Even for Anime. And, he did have a long history of heroin addiction.” Needles found in his disheveled hovel of a Poke Ball seemed to have confirmed their suspicions.

A proper diagnosis was finally discovered after Nurse Sailor Moon (below) found the patient outside eating dirt and clay and dust bunnies.

“We should have guessed mineral deficiency right off the bat,” concurred one doctor. “All he ever eats is little balls of energy. And he keeps screeching ‘Pica Chew’. ‘Pica Chew’.”

Doctors believe the beloved Pokemon will be back hawking product and inducing susceptible children to epileptic seizures shortly.

Land Without Breadsticks

What I did in Film School and why I almost was thrown out.

I have gotten somewhat better.

But learned not to say Luis Bunuel is my favorite director at pitch meetings.

PRODUCT PLACEMENT QUESTION

Now that Hollywood has bought the rights to every bad remake, every television show from the past 60 years, every novel since Gutenberg started pressing, every story ever featured in Parade Magazine, every fucking comic book, every fucking graphic novel, every Disney ride, every children’s toy and now every board game, I must ask the question.

How many Ouja Boards did Parker Brothers sell after the Exorcist came out?