Your Screenplay Sucks #23

How did the infected monkey possibly murder the detective with a Creamsicle in the middle of summer?!!

Your Screenplay Sucks #18

If the robot was possessed by the ghost of the professor's wife, how did it suddenly learn to speak Urdu?

Anthony Bourdain Becomes Breatharian

Celebrity chef and writer, Anthony Bourdain has shocked the Foodie community today, announcing his retirement from not only cooking, but also eating.

“I’ve gotten off heroin, I’ve given up crack. There’s no reason I can’t stop eating.” He told a bewildered but posh crowd at the James Beard Foundation.

The man who’s consumed everything from Bald Eagle eggs to gremlin twat to Sharktopus sushi, basically just got fed up after a 117-course tasting dinner gone wrong at David Chang’s new notorious-envelope-pushing-you’ll-never-get-a-reservation-in-3-billion-years-even-if-you-are-friends-with-Shakira-or-have-rubbed-a-fucking-magic-lamp outpost, Geins.

“The aged Andean Soccer Team jerky just didn’t go down right.” Bourdain explained. “I prayed for explosive dysentery. But, that taste will never leave my palate – or my soul.”

Breatharianism is the spiritual belief that man can live without food water and be sustained solely by the energy of the sun.

“I’ve been feeling fucking great.” claims the already rail-thin Bourdain. “I feel happy and peppy and bursting with love! I only have a little trouble at night, during eclipses and pretty much all the fucking rest of the time.”