Wind to Leave Earth, Wind & Fire To Pursue Political Career

Wind has announced that he will leave the famed funk group Earth, Wind & Fire to pursue a career in politics. Like his fellow, thoughtful entertainer, Kal Penn, Wind, found that it was fine time to stop living the rock and roll lifestyle and give something back to his country.

“He is a crucial classical element and will be missed, replied long time band member, Earth. “I guess we can always rehire our former guitarist, Water. We hear he’s totally clean now. Just not so sure things between him and Fire have totally been patched up. For many years those two brothers just got along like oil and vinegar.”

After being introduced to the President by longtime funk fanatic, T. Boone Bootsy Pickens, Wind has agreed to head up Obama’s newly formed Department of Alternative Energy, Alchemy and Seriously Scary Spending. “I really respect the president,” said Wind, currently residing on a Danish turbo farm and surrounded by tall, awesome blondes with near perfect jawlines. “He truly is a shining star.”

The opportunity proved just too good for Wind to pass on.

When asked for his opinion, Fox News Commentator, Glenn Beck, was for once strangely silent. “I’m afraid I’ve never heard of the group, he said. “I’m just your average, angry white guy with a shitty record collection.”

TV WE WANNA SEE!

Stephen J. Cannell presents Pippi Long-Silk Stalkings.

Leaving her small Swedish village, an all grown up Pippi moves to Palm Beach and joins the police force, investigating crimes of passion with the assistance of Mr. Nilsson, her aged, justice-seeking monkey.

As she already has the strength of ten policemen, Captain Hutch (Ben Vereen) has no problem with her simian partnership. “The woman can lift a cow,” he says. “You think she really needs any backup?”

The partners’s “Will they or won’t they” flirtations are sure to keep viewers hooked for years of syndication.

Using the rich and beautiful backdrop of Palm Beach, Cannell promises a ton of sexy danger every episode as well as the pigtailed Swede’s signature promiscuity, Loganberry martinis and the tiny hex wrenches she uses as hair braids.

Fans of the original show can rest assured that veteran star, Rob Estes, will return in a small role as Pippi’s Abba-obsessed neighbor, Christopher Lamas, who for some reason must eat every single meal at a Wendys.

Unicycle Made of Old Brillo Pads Hurts Oswego Resident’s Butt

Oswego, NY. A unicycle made entirely of old Brillo and steel wool pads did not ride well with one Oswego resident yesterday.

Karl Kuer, local who found the contraption in the back alley of a Fridays, decided to show off to his friends and ride the internal machine.

“This town doesn't have a mechanical bull.” Said Kuer. “This seemed like the next, best thing. Hell, I was drunk. And, I was losing my blind date’s interest by the minute. I thought this was sent down by the Gods just in time to get me laid.”

But it was not to be a smooth ride.

He was treated for minor bleeding hemorrhoids by the prostological hospital and should make a full recovery.

The fiend behind the unicycle of old Brillo pads has yet to be identified. It is believed it may be the same hoaxster responsible for the piñata full of rusty nails left at a 7/11 last May and the tetherball replaced with a rotted calf’s head at the Grovefield Park the month before.

Oswego Police are asking the public for help and warning area drunks to stay off any suspicious self-balancing apparatus.

George “The Animal Steele” Signed as the New Face of Lady Schick

Wilkinson Sword’s PR company confirmed today that iconic wrestler turned actor, George “The Animal” Steele, has signed on as Lady Schick’s new spokesman.

When asked by Stark Blogs for comment, the old, hairy son of a bitch got me in a hammerlock, did the big bite and then threw a chair at me.

“I couldn’t be more pleased.” He relented. “I’ll finally get to meet Halle Berry.

DRUNKEN ODE TO A GIANT GILA MONSTER

Your oversized reptile sucks!

You call that a giant Gila Monster?

I’m not scared of that.

In fact, here, Lizard, Lizard, Lizard.

You ain’t so threatening.

Taking a subway at 3Am is threatening.

Eating Fugu Fish at an all you can eat $7.99 Japanese Buffet is what I call threatening.

Not you, Hava Nagila Monster.

And, they say you arose after an Atomic Bomb blast?

There’s more radiation coming out of my cell phone.

And I wear an aluminum hat!

I’ll easily outrun you, GG, in my dune buggy.

Even with a surfboard mounted on the roof.

I can outrun you, giant Gila Monster in my fucking flip flops.

You are a sad excuse for a creature feature.

You are why they don’t make movies about monsterously giant, irradiated animals anymore.

You caused the damned Brendan Fraser Effect!

Whenever nature goes amok these days, it now must be cute and have Brendan Fraser in it.

Damned giant Gila Monster, you have destroyed cinema.

I’m going back to France to make real art without you.

I once loved you, Hiroshima Mon Amour.

Go slither back home, tall-for-your-class reptilian mouth breather.

Zzzax!!!

Chick Tract Magnet

Someone upstairs must have known my soul needed saving, cause I kept finding Chick Tracts everywhere I went.

In the can at just about every bar I frequented.

At the Off Track Betting.

In the purse I just stole.

Under my carrot slaw at the Chick-Fil-A

In my safety deposit box – How in Heaven did it get there?

In My Vegas High Rollers Suite.

On the floor of the getaway car for the Pittsburgh job.

In the dumpster behind the liquor store.

While I panicked in Needle Park.

Under every video rated R at the Blockbuster.

In a bowl of Shark Fin Soup at Wo Hops.

In The Time Capsule my high school class buried.

Too many assholes left them for me as tips when I worked at Al's Diner in Nutley, NJ.

I’m telling you. Always there. Always behind me. Where I ever went, that cartoons evangelist seemed to follow.

Well, I may be unlucky with cards and not doing so well with the ladies, but, thank, God, I’m a real Chick Tract Magnet.

..................................................................................

Of course. I hope once again not to have offended my rather religious friends and do hope to open further discussions with my agnostic and down right athiest readership about all the surreal, supernatural shit I've seen!

Bad Query letters -- BAR MITZVAH ROBOT!!!!!!

My friedn Kevin Madman @ http://kgmadman.wordpress.com has turned writing bad query letetrs into an art form.

I've contributed a few rather raunchy ones under my nom de plume.

But, somehow, old Kev refused to run my magnus opus of bad.

So, here tis:


BAR MITZVAH ROBOT!!!!!!


Dear Mishpokhe,

Thank God you’re still running Hollywood!

I’m hoping you still remember my Aunt, Bessie Futterman, who was your mother’s neighbor back before you moved off the Grand Concourse. You, of course, couldn’t possibly forget the delicious smells that crept down the hallway from apartment 6E. The scent of her kreplachs I’m sure are still wafting through the windmills of your mind. I know they’re still wafting through mine!

Well, I know you’re a busy man, so I’ll get right down to it. Here’s the, highly profitable movie I know you’ve been praying for.

Martin Greenblatt didn’t want a big party on his 13th birthday. He didn’t want a fountain pen. He didn’t want a savings bond from his beloved, Bubbie Esther. He didn’t even want a kiss from that cutie, Emma Stone.

All he wanted for his birthday was a Bar Mitzvah Robot.

Yes, a Bar Mitzvah Robot!!!!!!!

Not some cokamammie Transformer or that totally fagelah Iron Giant. But, a Bar Mitzvah Robot! A best friend, an ET and a Michael Jackson all rolled into one component. All made out of American steel and some simple electronics you can pick up from any neighborhood Radio Shack.

I see a whole line of movie merch, toy tie-ins and Kosher Happy Meals!!!!

When the undiagnosed-borderline-dyslexic Martin muffs his Torah Portion, his Farklempt prayers actually bring his metallic best bud to life! Can you imagine the look on the Cantor’s face as the Bar Mitzvah Robot suddenly outgrows the gift table and practically collapses the ceiling of the Flatbush Tivioli?

I see Jonah Hill providing the voice of the Bar Mitzvah Robot!!!!!

Yes, I know. You already think it’s a little too artsy-fartsy. So, it’s a little bit magical realism. It worked for Adam Sandler in Bedtime Stories.

Don’t tell me you don’t want another Bedtime Stories on your hands????

The rest of the tale I admit is a little sketchy. But, what else do you need? Just hire someone to connect the dots for an instant rock-em sock-em box office!

Three magic words -- Bar Mitzvah Robot!!!!!!!

It won’t take an Isaac Basiv Singer to bring this little story to life. Just hire a schmuck, like my nephew, Michael Stark, who once optioned a script or two to Disney. He’ll work for cheap, I’m sure.

So, do we have a deal or what?

Just contact your mom who’ll contact my Aunt who’ll contact me. Easy!

To Your Continual Good Prostate Health,


Hershell Gordon Rabinowitz
(Creator and owner of The Bar Mitzvah Robot idea)