Palin Peeved at Raunchy Rove Remark - Todd and I Got Plenty of Damn Gravitas Boats For Our Wedding

Eli Roth to Direct The Glass Manicotti

Handsome Gentleman Caller force fed shards of broken Pyrex by cracked, southern belle living in Hoboken.

Amy Adams and Adrien Brody to star. Tom Sizemore provides the voice of the Unicorn.

Lame Ass Movie Pitch #79 - I was a Vampire Hitman's Therapist.

I see Alan Arkin or Nancy Allen as the therapist.

Todd Palin Hunts Mystical Creatures From Chopper

Native American groups are up in arms with Todd’s Palin’s latest gory hobby, aerial hunting their native legends from a helicopter.

Palin, seemingly killing through the alphabet, has moved on from hunting wolves to Wendigos, a mythical spirit-animal of the Algonquian-speaking tribes in the northern United States and Canada.

Protestors around the former Governor’s ice palace, carried signs reading, “Leave our Mythology alone.” And “Let us kill our own damned Monsters.”

“I’m no racist,” countered Palin over a couple of frosted Rheingolds. “I just like to blast living things from way up on high. I’d even blast a fucking bald Eagle if I could. That’s why I’m so stoked about my pretty wife being our next president. To finally let me kill some really cool shit. Man, it’ll be sooo like the Most Dangerous Game.

(Editors Note: The Todster didn’t actually reference the movie classic, The Most Dangerous Game, but Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Hard Target. Everyone knows that neither of the Palins have ever seen a black and white movie, cause they’re frankly so damned unAmerican.)

Once he brings the Wendigo population to total extinction, he is looking forward to tacking Yetis next. “Too bad there ain’t any animals in the kingdom starting with the letter X, “ he sighed. “Someone already bagged that Malcolm dude.”

Scarlett Johansson to Star in Red Dawn Sonja

Army brat and comic book geekette, Sonja, goes all D&D to save her beloved, small John-Cougar-Mellencamp-esqu town from a supposed Russian invasion.

Is this really WW3 or all just in her troubled, Fox News rattled head?

With Fred Thompson as the Mayor, Tom Savini as John Milius and C. Thomas Howell as asshole chopper pilot, John McCain.

Go Wolverines!

Lame Ass Pitches # 318 : Jueves -- It's a remake of Friday but set in the Barrio

A lot can happen between Miercoles and Viernes.

Clam Pickle Vs. Captain Chutney Wombat

Dear Ann Arbor Craig’s List,

I overheard you yesterday at the Davie Street Starbucks, approximately at 3:00 PM saying how you could draw.

As you were at a Starbucks in the middle of the afternoon, I imagine you can draw really good enough not to have to have a day job.

Good for you.

I’m hoping you are interested in illustrating my new comic book masterpiece, Clam Pickle Vs. Captain Chutney Wombat.

Can you draw superheroes? Can you draw muscles? Big muscles? Please send me a doodle of a dissected starfish if you’re interested in continuing.

You’ll need to know a little marine biology if ya wanna run with me on this one. The squeamish dare not apply.

See, Clam Pickle is a superhero. An Aquatic one. Like Aquaman. But, he’s also America’s first hermaphrodite superhero. Hell, it’s 2010. It’s about fricking time.

So, Clam Pickle is a little bit Submariner and a little bit Jamie Lee Curtis. A little bit country and a little bit rock n roll. A little bit clam and a little bit pickle.

Oh, I forgot to ask. Can you draw juggs. Really bug juggs. Like the gals from a King Conan paperback?

Hopefully your religious beliefs will not get in the way of drawing this rather graphic graphic novel.

So because of global warming or an oil leak or something, Clam Pickle is now based on dry land. He lives on a houseboat in Fort Lauderdale.

When some geeks get beat up during Spring break, they become the Secret League of Junior Mad Scientists and summon up the spirit of Captain Chutney Wombat with a drum, a piñata and a gator skull they unearthed from a sacred Indian burial mound and casino.

Captain Chutney Wombat is the spirit of an Nazi Doctor that experimented with gauchos and Guarani tribesmen in the jungles of Paraguay. He is an expert poisoner and an evil, vile villain.

Look, if you’re like me and wanna get out of Ann Arbor, please join me and Captain Pickle to get rich just as quick as we can crank out his next adventure.

I look forward to hearing from you.

I did notice that you were half or so Asian and hope you’re not married to drawing manga. I see Clam Pickle as more 70s Marvel than fucking manga.

Excelsior,

Harv Trubovitz
The Guy at the table behind you.
I am sometimes said to be a little smelly