Your Screenplay Sucks #21

Please, I don't care if you're their nephew. No one will want to see "Hall and Oates on Mars".

Elect More Orange People

Need an Awesome Movie Title? – Just Try Some Warren Zevon Lyrics.

I’ve been listening to Excitable Boy over and over the past few days and it’s a bountiful bonanza of bitchin’ movie titles.

If you’re hard pressed finding the perfect moniker for your screenplay, try a few of these on for size:

I Hear Woodrow Wilson’s Guns – A grand oater

Veracruz is Dying – A western or maybe a gang banger flick.

Tenderness on the Block – Another romcom for J.Lo or a coming of age weeper.

Lawyers, Guns and Money – Why hasn’t this been used yet?!!!

Dad, Get Me Out Of This – Ferris Bueller type teen romp or The George W. Bush Story.

She Was With the Russians Too – Cold War Spy Comedy

Nighttime in the Switching Yard – Noir, Noir Noir.

Accidentally like A Martyr – Small indie all over it.

Shadow Love – Contained thriller.

Random Love – Sex Comedy

Werewolves of London – Okay, a remake.

The Hairy-Handed Gent – Fantasy or a bad date story.

Draw Blood – For the next ultra-violent Tarantino wannabe.

Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner – Russell Crow in the jungle with a big ass weapon. Jake Busey as the son-of-a-bitch Van Owen

They’ll be Rocking in the Projects –Music teacher beating the band and the odds in an inner city school

Excitable Boy – I see Jonah Hill as that said boy!

America Has a Lot To Learn From Its Zombies

To a Zombie, regardless of race, color, creed, national origin, ancestry, sex, religious or political affiliation, age or sexual orientation, we are just food! America has a lot to learn from its Zombies.

Come Nov 2nd, lurch slowly to the polls and vote like one!

Dearborn, Michigan Under Sharro Law!

Yum. Sharro! Guess Sharon Angle is dyslexic.

This Week on Discovery – Todd Palin, Monster Hunter

Tired of running over endangered Caribou on his snowmobile, the Former Alaskan First Dude and gentleman sportsman is looking forward to a new challenge -- searching and destroying cryptozoological creatures on his new Discovery Channel Reality show, TODD PALIN, MONSTER HUNTER, with co-hosts Nick Cage and Charlton Heston’s ghost.

Chupacabras, Yetis, Pixies, Radioactive Tape Worms, Big Foots, Loup-Garous and Loch, Lake and assorted Sea Monsters better watch out cause the Toddster is gonna be gunning for ya.

According to Palin, hunting, fishing and throwing dynamite into ponds of Mermen is a basic American core value – like beating up sissies.

“Hey. I’m up for killing some extreme shit.” he told us, “Until my wife gets to be president, I can’t legally hunt down immigrants and Inuits. This should tide those craving till 2012. Plus, I’m doing my part, keeping our borders safe. I mean Sharktopusses have killed a dozen surfers already and who know how many snowboarders have been buggered Prep School style by them damn Yetis.”

“The Bible and our Founding Fathers strictly forbids Bestiality, so as a red-blooded American, I’m gonna fight these beasties with everything I’ve got.”

“Let me tell you about Big Foot. It wasn’t so fucking big. Not like those Hollyweird liberals portrayed him on the Six Million Dollar Man and Harry and The Henderson. You don’t want that hairy monstrosity anywhere near your subdivision. I did America a favor by blowing it’s fucking brains out. And, Sarah made a delicious stew out of him.”

How does Palin enjoy hunting alongside his legendary co-hosts? “Well, it took some getting used to working with a spook and a liberal.” he said. popping yet another Molson (his favorite domestic brew). “But that’s what the Republican Party is all about. Bi-Parmesan, inclusiveness and clubbing a unicorn with it’s own horn till it bleeds out of its eyes and asshole.”

YOUR MONEY -- WAYS TO PROFIT FROM THE REPUBLICAN TAKEOVER

It doesn’t take a weatherman to see which way the mighty wind is blowing. Checking Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin’s stock portfolios, it’ll be wise to put what’s left of your money in what they’ve just invested in. You too can become rich the good, old fashioned, WASPY WAY -- by doing absolutely nothing.

1. Invest heavily in Halliburton.

2. Buy a Wire Hanger Factory.

3. Short All keffiyeh producing companies.

4. Start adopting Mexican Landscapers to legally sell off later.

5. Learn Chinese.

6. Invent Permanent White Face.

7. Become Ghostwriter for a lazy ass conservative pundit.