Sunday, February 20, 2011

Bad Query Letters - Young Caligula


Dear Gate Keeping, Smoking Hot, Babylonian Goddess of a Secretary,

It’s hard to get ahead in Hollywood. Just a few years ago you could have easily banged your boss a mere few months and quickly began your whorific ascent up the studio ladder. But, now, alas, even Tinsel Town has gotten some morals. It’s like Pat Robertson bought ever studio in town and threw saltpeter and guilt into the ventilation systems. No one is schtupping their way to success anymore. It’s sad — It’s like the whole world has turned upside down. Fucking Letterman!

Well, if you can’t blow your boss for a promotion, you can at least blow his mind with this script!

Inspired by the world’s greatest filmmaker, Bob Guccione, YOUNG CALIGULA, tells the story about Rome’s wackiest emperor when he was just another zit-faced, hormone raging, royal teenager. Only, instead of doing the usual period piece schtick of everyone one speaking in a clipped British accent, Chubby Caligula and his homies will speak like the rest of us – Kevin Smith, Judd Aptow and Sarah Softspoken Silverman.

I mean, let’s keep things real. Those mother fucking Romans didn’t speak like James Mason. They surely sounded like Jonah Hill. When James Mason says “Boner”, it sounds like he’s talking about a mistake. When Jonah says “Boner”, you know what kind of meat he’s talking about!

So, young Caligula and his buddies, Cera and Galifianaki, have finally been invited to an orgy thrown by the captain of the Chariot Team, Drunkus Maximus. But to gain entrance they must pass seven challenges, one being to pick up the booze. Which, of course, is nearly impossible cause they’re not only underage, but it’s Sunday! Hilarity and tragedy, the two-faced Janus of every good tale, will ensue.

Young Caligula’s philosophy teacher, Fudget Packerus, agrees to help, but at price — the rectal virginity of his shy best friend, Cera. Is this big night of decadence and debauchery worth sacrificing a bud’s budding flower of a butt-hole over? This is the great moral dilemma that rockets this character driven story to its feel good climax. I know Dieu Ex Machina is Greek, but do you think any American teenage would knows the difference??? Ask them to point out Assganistan on a map. They can’t do it!

I see Young Caligula being filmed in 3D. Not only cause of the fabulous cast of juggs touted around like some Busby Berkeley musicals number, but we’ll need to find the guy with that Fire hydrant sized dong from the first movie. Imagine that monster popping out at you! Man, talk about UP.

So, if you fast track my script, I guarantee I will return the favor with a night of unbelievable, bed breaking pleasure. Hollywood may have morals, but I don’t. I will make you love me!

Herbert Glasser
Harmony Pre School
Tempe, AZ

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Josh Holloway Slated For Paramount’s Trouble.

Josh Holloway has left Lost Island only to find himself in the midst of Paramount’s Trouble, the cinematic adaptation of Kohner’s popular board game.

Holloway will play a small town sheriff who finds his jurisdiction suddenly trapped under a giant dome after an Indian casino and race track breaks ground on land once home to a sacred, Protestant country club.

Unseen forces move the trapped townsmen around the track while their opponents try to send the others back.

The unfortunate locals not only feud over food and water but also must avoid the giant pair of tumbling dice that wreak havoc on the town.

Producer Joel Silver boasts that not only will Trouble be filmed in 3-D but also in the newly developed Pop-o-matic!!!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Babar Leads 2012 Iowa Caucus Poll

Birthers have been oddly quiet about how a French, fictional monarch is suddenly the frontrunner in the 2012 Republican Presidential Primaries.

Iowa Republican Party Chairman, Rourke Welch, told Naughty Kvetchings, that “Well, not only is Babar easily identifiable as our grand party’s symbol, but his elemental command of the English language, his hatred of rhinoceroses and the fact that he’s married to his cousin endears him to most of our base. Plus, he looks pretty damn good when we dress him up in a suit.”

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Tweet Pulp #5 Experiments in mini fiction

The Intergalatic Moyel could not perform the underwater bris on General Zad's son because of the odd number of tentacles #tweetpulp

Tweet Pulp #4

The King struggled to pull Excaliber from the stone resulting in a rectal prolapse that no magician in the kingdom could repair #tweetpulp

Tweet Pulp # 3

For his queen, The barbarian martinized his trenchcoat without a coupon as the astrologists predicted. #tweetpulp.

Tweet Pulp # 2

The Reptile King wept as he put the conch shell to his lips. It tased faintly of the dried oceans and his mother's kugel #tweetpulp

Tweet Pulp # 1

Before the vaccine could take effect, Captain Trimble's chest cavity resembled an Advent Calendar but without the chocolates. #tweetpulp