Thursday, September 1, 2011

Failed Reboots #14 -- West Egg Ninjas Vs East Egg Ninjas

The Execs we pitched to lacked the vision. Who the hell wouldn't want to see Gatsby doing Mixed Martial Arts? Illiterate Swine!

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Abandoned Pitch #317 – Gay Time Machine


Days before his infamous trial, Oscar Wilde tries not only to flee his predicament, but his present spacetime. With great urgency and flamboyant hand gestures, he convincing fellow club member, H.G. Wells, to test drive the latest invention he’s been boring their writers’ workshop with – a Time Machine.

With his usual sound judgment impaired by one too many rounds of mutton and absinthe, Wells attempts to send his friend back to a less homophobic time and place – to Ancient Greece, where the ghastly Queensbury Rules never did apply. Where teachers didn’t have to sing, “Don’t stand. Don’t stand so close to me.” even if they didn't look like Sting. The olde Sting. The olde Sting before he stopped hanging out with Adam Ant and started playing the hurdy gurdy.

But, he never makes it to that fabulous ancient island of hunky goat hurders, manadtory wrestling matches and unlimited feta.

Things go hysterically awry when Wilde is accidentally sent back to the future, to an apocalyptic America run by a completely mad, former Texas Governor retrofitted by Halliburton with a Burger King Crown that should control the weather, but so far has only produced five decades worth of drought. Hilarity ensues as a Tea Posse is formed to hunt down the English dandy and throw him in the Bachmann Turner Overdrive, a strange change machine that can suck the gay (and a few feet of colon) right out of you.

Barely escaping with his life, Wilde fires the Time Machine back up, landing in 802,701 A.D where he must battle savage Morlocks, fight off the awkward advances of a sexy Yvette Mimieux and deal with the – UGH – horrible wallpaper of the future.

Gay Time Machine –Get Ready for the Rip Rearing Ride of Your Life! Putting the Fabulous back in Sci Fi!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Rejected Pitches # 715 Castanets and Cracklins

She’s a gorgeous, English-mangling Flamenco dancer with a 12-hour layover in Atlanta. He’s the local, English-mangling Delta baggage handler with way too much time on his hands.

Execs didn’t think there could be chemistry between Penelope Cruz and Larry the Cable Guy. What do they know? When I close my eyes, all I can see is them schtupping all over those tiny tables in front of the Atlanta Bread Company.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Tainted Hamentashen Ruins Guam’s First Purim

A recall of Prune Hamentashen tainted by rodent fecal matter may just ruin Guam’s first ever nationally celebrated Purim carnival.

Purim, for our Goyim readership (Do we have Goyim readership?), is the Jewish festival, commemorating the yet again deliverance of the Jewish peoples from nasty angry Arab types in the pre Cecil B Demille Biblical epic days.

It is traditionally celebrated with the Hamentashen, a sweet cookie with poppy seeds and a delicious prune filling.

It is written in the ancient, Talmud text that Queen Esther, severely constipated because of constant worry and guilt, ate only these ingredients as prescribed by the Royal household’s trainer and personal nutritionist, Hans Dexler.

The recall has left Guam sadly and suddenly Hamentashen-less. Bakers are eagerly awaiting ingredients to be shipped from the Mainland. The island's few erotic bakeries have made do with some structurally similar bachelor party cakes.

“Rats just have a thing for sweet prune filling,” said Guam’s Minister of Health, Dalia Yona. “The whole island is in mourning cause of those fucking rat finks. We believe it could have been a terrorist plot.”

Guam, surprisingly touts a population that is 47% Jewish. According to the latest census, most of these have been recent converts.

The Pacific protectorate was quickly evangelized by Old Testament believing missionaries soon after the first Micronesia Woody Allen Festival played to packed houses in the island nation’s capital.

The island saw conversion rates to Judaism skyrocket with neurosis and self loathing quickly following. In fact, New York therapists had to be flown in to help deal with the sudden emotional trauma.

“And now without our Hamentashen,” kvetched Ms. Yona. “We’re gonna have even more trauma to deal with. Oy!"

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

My Notes on the Robocop Remake

Dear cobbling screenwritrs in Hollywood's rebooting tree. Here's how to make the Robocop remake totally awesome.

Like you wisely did in Salt, reverse the damn sexes. Have Nancy Allen riddled with bullets and made into the six million dollar server and protector. Thinking of her going all Rosie the Robot is seriously making my circuits jerk.

I'd do anything to see that honey gone metallic. DePalma, man, how could you have let that tasty piece of hamentashen go?

Free advise, Suits. Take it or leave it.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Your Screenplay Sucks #23

How did the infected monkey possibly murder the detective with a Creamsicle in the middle of summer?!!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Your Screenplay Sucks #18

If the robot was possessed by the ghost of the professor's wife, how did it suddenly learn to speak Urdu?

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Anthony Bourdain Becomes Breatharian

Celebrity chef and writer, Anthony Bourdain has shocked the Foodie community today, announcing his retirement from not only cooking, but also eating.

“I’ve gotten off heroin, I’ve given up crack. There’s no reason I can’t stop eating.” He told a bewildered but posh crowd at the James Beard Foundation.

The man who’s consumed everything from Bald Eagle eggs to gremlin twat to Sharktopus sushi, basically just got fed up after a 117-course tasting dinner gone wrong at David Chang’s new notorious-envelope-pushing-you’ll-never-get-a-reservation-in-3-billion-years-even-if-you-are-friends-with-Shakira-or-have-rubbed-a-fucking-magic-lamp outpost, Geins.

“The aged Andean Soccer Team jerky just didn’t go down right.” Bourdain explained. “I prayed for explosive dysentery. But, that taste will never leave my palate – or my soul.”

Breatharianism is the spiritual belief that man can live without food water and be sustained solely by the energy of the sun.

“I’ve been feeling fucking great.” claims the already rail-thin Bourdain. “I feel happy and peppy and bursting with love! I only have a little trouble at night, during eclipses and pretty much all the fucking rest of the time.”

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Stark's Tips For Dating A Mermaid

When meeting your mermaid girlfriend's parents for the first time, you should be very complimentary of their tridents.

Most mermaids are very shy and perfer to take things slow. You'll be lucky to get a few fin jobs the first couple of months.

Two things to watch out for when a mermaid is having her period: PMS and Sharks.

When a Mermaid is having her period, it's usually called her Manhattan cycle. When she is having a yeast infection, it's refered to as New England.

I don't mind going down on my mermaid girlfriend. As long as I have a packet of saltines handy

My Mermaid girlfriend douches with vinegar, chips and a newspaper cone.

People with moderate to severe shellfish allergies should refrain from such interspecies dating.

Never, ever, ever ask her for just a little head.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Florida, Meet Your New Governor.

Meet the new boss, not quite the same as the old boss.

Friday, March 11, 2011

At My Bookstore - Basil Rathbone Signed Book and Letter

In and Out of Character HC DJ First edit Signed and inscribed Best Wishes Basil Rathbone

Double Day NY 1962 Some tanning on signature Slight rubbing/wear on top of DJ. Please see pictures. Also have a signed Rathbone letter on auction here as well.

Signed letter with a PS note from Basil Rathbone to A NYC Drama Teacher ? in 1964. Very detailed, including news of his travels, manangement info, fees and needs to do a lecture.

Notice signature stuck off in the side. Scans can be emailed to you.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


The Tea Party Express rolled into Derry, Maine today, putting the town’s resident evil clown, Pennywise, in their crosshairs.

Maine T.P. spokeswoman, Michelle Brock, said that “We have nothing against nice, patriotic, rodeo, Red Skelton and Emmett Kelly type clowns. But, we won’t stand for death panel, granny killing, tax and spend, socialist, Muslim, Nazi ones in our state. Pennywise has got to go!”

Derry is like many small towns in America, plagued with a blight of closed factories, foreclosed homes, high unemployment and an ancient evil which wakes to feed every 30 years.

“He claims to have been here before the foundation of the town,” she said. “So, where’s his birth certificate? I don’t think he’s even an American.”

When asked for comment, Pennywise just laughed – maniacally. "There's plenty of room for all of us to float down here."

According to film producer and giant spider expert, Jon Peters, “The Tea Party has once again misspelled their signs. Pennywise has always been a staunch supporter of GOP causes and has frequently been photographed with his older brother, Dick Cheney.”

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Latest Pitch

Precious, The Vampire Hunter: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Bruce Willis to Star in Djinn and Tonik

Grizzled New York Cop, Karl Tonik (Willis), finds he may be just a little bit racist after all when he’s assigned to guard the new Islamic Community Center, while breaking in new partner, Djinn, a three thousand-year-old Genie (The voice of Aziz Ansari) who's been cramped behind a desk for way too long.

It’s enough to have him hitting the bottle again!

Need A Movie Title? Pick Up A Clash Album.

Yes, I’m graciously giving away more of my infinite screenwriting wisdom gratis. Like Cinderella’s slipper, finding the prefect fitting title for your flick isn’t always easy. Ya gotta know where to look. I pretty much always look to my record collection first.

The Clash, The only band that mattered, definitely has ample ammunition to choose from. I spotted half a dozen nifty titles just from Sandinista alone.

So, unless you’re writing Romcoms, let’s nail down an awesome title for your script. I just don’t wanna disgrace Joe Strummer’s memory by naming a J.Lo project after one of his classics. Know your rights!

Carreer Opportunities, 48 Hours and The Magnificent Seven have unfortunately already been used.

I’m So Bored with the USA – Michael Cera as a dissed-disenchanted-disenfranchised youth who moves to Prague to teach English, meet hot foreign chicks and avoid getting tortured to death in the cheap hostel he found in an outdated Let’s Go Europe.

White Riot – The Sarah Palin/Tea Party Story

Police and Thieves – Something Michael Mannish. You’ve also got Police on My Back, I Fought The Law, Robber Dub and Washington Bullets.

Garageland – Either a “Let’s Start a Band” flick or a bad husband forced to live in his man cave till the divorce papers are signed. Put Jessie James in it and you got a deal.

Tommygun – Prohibition era gangster epic.

All The Young Punks – Gritty neo noir.

Julie’s Been Working For the Drug Squad – Find a new Jennifer Jason Leigh for Rush 2. See also Junkie Slip.

Rudie Can’t Fail – A look at Ska culture, a Sean Astin football sequel, or a bio pic of Giuliani's ruined presidential campaign.

Death Or Glory – A blazing guns War flick.

Lover’s Rock – Okay, we might have found a romcom in their back catalogue.

Lost in The Supermarket – Why make movies about board games when you can tie-in one about the stuff we have to buy everyday. I see Oscar Meyer, Mrs. Paul and Captain Crunch as your main protags.

Train In Vain – Matthew Broderick as the Good and Plenty engineer, Choo Choo Charlie. Ya gotta think synergy, kids. Synergy!

Silicone on Sapphire – Musical! Iowa farmgirl goes to LA to live out her dreams of starring in the Showgirls sequel.

Hitsville UK – Hopefully a better rock n roll flick than Pirate Radio.

Junco Partner – Cajun infused sex comedy.

Ivan Meets GI Joe – Another noisy Michael Bay in Toyland moneymaker.

Rock the Casbah – Cause we really do need another Iraqi War picture.

Should I Stay or Should I go – Cripes, another Romcom title!!!!

Car Jamming – Finally that Nic Cage /Vin Diesel Project we’ve been eagerly awaiting.

Cool Under Heat – Bruce Willis in a Miami Cop pot boiler.

Armageddon Time – Something Post-Apocalypto. See also The City of The Dead.

1-2 Crush on You – Teen Matheletes romance or Cloverfield 2.

Groovy Times – This one is so good just force whatever piece of shit you’re writing to fit it!

(White Man) in Hammersmith Palias – All I know is I wanna see Michael Sheen in it.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Bad Query Letters - Young Caligula


Dear Gate Keeping, Smoking Hot, Babylonian Goddess of a Secretary,

It’s hard to get ahead in Hollywood. Just a few years ago you could have easily banged your boss a mere few months and quickly began your whorific ascent up the studio ladder. But, now, alas, even Tinsel Town has gotten some morals. It’s like Pat Robertson bought ever studio in town and threw saltpeter and guilt into the ventilation systems. No one is schtupping their way to success anymore. It’s sad — It’s like the whole world has turned upside down. Fucking Letterman!

Well, if you can’t blow your boss for a promotion, you can at least blow his mind with this script!

Inspired by the world’s greatest filmmaker, Bob Guccione, YOUNG CALIGULA, tells the story about Rome’s wackiest emperor when he was just another zit-faced, hormone raging, royal teenager. Only, instead of doing the usual period piece schtick of everyone one speaking in a clipped British accent, Chubby Caligula and his homies will speak like the rest of us – Kevin Smith, Judd Aptow and Sarah Softspoken Silverman.

I mean, let’s keep things real. Those mother fucking Romans didn’t speak like James Mason. They surely sounded like Jonah Hill. When James Mason says “Boner”, it sounds like he’s talking about a mistake. When Jonah says “Boner”, you know what kind of meat he’s talking about!

So, young Caligula and his buddies, Cera and Galifianaki, have finally been invited to an orgy thrown by the captain of the Chariot Team, Drunkus Maximus. But to gain entrance they must pass seven challenges, one being to pick up the booze. Which, of course, is nearly impossible cause they’re not only underage, but it’s Sunday! Hilarity and tragedy, the two-faced Janus of every good tale, will ensue.

Young Caligula’s philosophy teacher, Fudget Packerus, agrees to help, but at price — the rectal virginity of his shy best friend, Cera. Is this big night of decadence and debauchery worth sacrificing a bud’s budding flower of a butt-hole over? This is the great moral dilemma that rockets this character driven story to its feel good climax. I know Dieu Ex Machina is Greek, but do you think any American teenage would knows the difference??? Ask them to point out Assganistan on a map. They can’t do it!

I see Young Caligula being filmed in 3D. Not only cause of the fabulous cast of juggs touted around like some Busby Berkeley musicals number, but we’ll need to find the guy with that Fire hydrant sized dong from the first movie. Imagine that monster popping out at you! Man, talk about UP.

So, if you fast track my script, I guarantee I will return the favor with a night of unbelievable, bed breaking pleasure. Hollywood may have morals, but I don’t. I will make you love me!

Herbert Glasser
Harmony Pre School
Tempe, AZ

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Josh Holloway Slated For Paramount’s Trouble.

Josh Holloway has left Lost Island only to find himself in the midst of Paramount’s Trouble, the cinematic adaptation of Kohner’s popular board game.

Holloway will play a small town sheriff who finds his jurisdiction suddenly trapped under a giant dome after an Indian casino and race track breaks ground on land once home to a sacred, Protestant country club.

Unseen forces move the trapped townsmen around the track while their opponents try to send the others back.

The unfortunate locals not only feud over food and water but also must avoid the giant pair of tumbling dice that wreak havoc on the town.

Producer Joel Silver boasts that not only will Trouble be filmed in 3-D but also in the newly developed Pop-o-matic!!!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Babar Leads 2012 Iowa Caucus Poll

Birthers have been oddly quiet about how a French, fictional monarch is suddenly the frontrunner in the 2012 Republican Presidential Primaries.

Iowa Republican Party Chairman, Rourke Welch, told Naughty Kvetchings, that “Well, not only is Babar easily identifiable as our grand party’s symbol, but his elemental command of the English language, his hatred of rhinoceroses and the fact that he’s married to his cousin endears him to most of our base. Plus, he looks pretty damn good when we dress him up in a suit.”

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Tweet Pulp #5 Experiments in mini fiction

The Intergalatic Moyel could not perform the underwater bris on General Zad's son because of the odd number of tentacles #tweetpulp

Tweet Pulp #4

The King struggled to pull Excaliber from the stone resulting in a rectal prolapse that no magician in the kingdom could repair #tweetpulp

Tweet Pulp # 3

For his queen, The barbarian martinized his trenchcoat without a coupon as the astrologists predicted. #tweetpulp.

Tweet Pulp # 2

The Reptile King wept as he put the conch shell to his lips. It tased faintly of the dried oceans and his mother's kugel #tweetpulp

Tweet Pulp # 1

Before the vaccine could take effect, Captain Trimble's chest cavity resembled an Advent Calendar but without the chocolates. #tweetpulp

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Many Coups of King Vitamin

After protestors in Vitaministan stormed their tiny country’s castle and guards shot roughly 75 people, Ross Atinafato has proclaimed himself the new king, King Vitamin IV. Here are excerpts from his interview:

Newsweek: What actually cased the outbreak of violence?

King Vitamin IV: A number of reasons. Corruption. Political repression. Shortages of our precious national resource, Riboflavin.

Newsweek: You said you would not extend the military base rights for the U.S.

King Vitamin IV: We are opposed to your current’s president’s High Fructose-Deterrence Strategy. Mr. Obama you are a newcomer. Wait until the milk is poured and get some experience.

Newsweek: What about rumors of Vitaminstan pirates operating off your coast?

King Vitamin IV: We are a small country without a navy, founded on strong Quaker Principles. We welcome NATO’s help in finally defeating this scourge, Crunch and his damned crunch berries. So, would you like to have breakfast? Breakfast with the King?

Newsweek: You have already been accused as being just as harsh as your predecessor.

King Vitamin IV: What? Does it look like I cut out this cockamamie crown from the back of a cardboard box?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Obama Angers Roman Catholics by Canceling Prince Spaghetti Day

President Obama continued his lofty liberal agenda to separate Church from State last week by canceling Prince Spaghetti Day, an American, Roman Catholic tradition usually held every Wednesday since the early 50s.

Protesters in Boston’s North End joined their generally Papist-hating Teabagging brethren by holding a rally at City Hall today with the usual amount of unchecked anger, misspelled signs and damned difficult to open jars of tomato sauce.

Fearing a similar presidential salvo, entrepreneur, Mrs. Paul, hired famed super Lobbyist, Jack Abramoff, to influence Congress in keeping the mandatory Fish on Fridays Laws on the books.

Newly Appointed Health Czar, the disembodied head of Dr. Robert Adkins, could not be reached for comment.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

True Blood Libel or 30 Days of Nights of Passover

George Soros and his clan of Jewish vampires descend on the small town of Wasilla, Alaska in search of hearty ingredients to make their secret matzah.

Can the disgraced, former Governor and Jew Huntress get over her victim mentality, plow forward and reload to save America from this blood thirsty scourge?

Based on Glenn Beck's new book, Chicken Soup For The Protocols of The Elders of Zion.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

On Sale At My Bookstore - Signed Pro Football It's Ups and Downs

Signed Pro Football It's Ups and Downs Dr. March

Second Edition 1939 has 30 signatures on the first page - many have become hall of famers. - - some foxing, red boards

Signed by:

Len Barnum, Cliff Battles, Dale Burnett,
Joseph Cannul, Pete Cole, Frank Cope,
Ed Danowski, Nello Falaschi, Chuck Gelatka
Ward Cuff, Al Owen, Mel Hein, Jim Lee Howell,
Larry Johnson, John Karcis, Jiggs Kline
Ed Lindell , Gus Mauch (trainer, John Mellus
Eddie Miller, Doug Oldershaw, Ox Parry
Jim Poole, Leland Shaffer Kink Richards
Hank Soa, Ken Strong, Orville Tuttl, Bill Walls
Tarzan White

Everyone I could identify was a NY Giant except Battles, who was formerly a Redskin and was coaching Columbia University in the 1939 – 1940 time when this was signed

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Sometimes I Forget Not To Panic After Drinking Beet Juice!

Years of Augmentative Surgery Has Taken Toll on Burger King

Once a fair and friendly ruler, the Burger King has undergone years of surgery in his obsessed quest to look more regal. He’s had experimental shin transplants in Paraguay that’ve added close to two feet to his height and extreme facial reconstruction that has given him a ghoulish, mask like appearance.

Warren Croc, the American ambassador to Burgeria wonders if all these medical procedures have finally affected the leader’s psyche. “He was once an amiable, chap.” recalls Crock. “Now, he’s a complete madman, pulling mean-spirited practical jokes on his public. Running around with airhorns, hiding behind corners, slipping pretty, blonde tourists roofies. I’ve seen him transform into quite the dictator. He’s pretty much of a dick now. Look at the millions of tax dollars the BK is spending just on bling.”