Monday, March 22, 2010

New Products We Wholeheartedly Support

Bacon + Vodka = Instant Limbo Party.

Only Flaw. Blue laws forbid the sale of Bacon Infused Vodka on both Saturdays and Sundays.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Hollywood Update - Why Did The Tomato Blush?

Hollywood, lacking any new existing material to develop, starts looking into Salad dressings as potential blockbusters.

The Breakfast cereal craze is already passe with Count Chocula, Kaboom, Quisp and Captain Crunch projects already slated for production.

With Kraft buying MGM, we can soon expect the synergy spinning into the botttled dressing aisle of your local market now.

Thousand Island – A pirate flick with Matthew Mcconaughey as a baby spinach loving Vegan swsahbuckler.

Hidden Valley - Amanda Seyfried falls in love at the William Sonoma while pricing out salad shooters.

Caeser Salad Dressing – A historic epic. Very cheesy. Brad Pit without his shirt?

Oil and Vinegar – two unmatched cops must work together to bring down the Italian mob. Not to be confused with Universal’s Salt and pepper. Or Paramount's Turner and Hootch and Kibble Remake

Honey Mustard 3 D – Va va voom. CGI reanimated Jayne Mansfield as a PI that makes Honey West just seem kinda flat.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Kafka’s ill-advised and rushed translation into Punjabi yields massive mistakes. Even the infamous opening line of The Metamorphosis is mangled.

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic samosa.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Rod Stewart’s Broadway Musical Lasts Only Nine Days

Rod Stewart’s ill-timed and ill-advised debut on the Broadway stage closed after only nine days.

His adaptation of the quaint English nursery rhyme, Please Porridge Hot, apparently left New York audiences quite, quite cold.

Times Theater Critic, Barry Quinn quipped, "NY just didn't think him sexy."

“I guess there’s no telling what people want anymore,” said Stewart. “I thought we had something for everybody. I mean, some people like it hot and some people like it cold and some people like it in the pot but not enough tickets got sold.”

Friday, March 5, 2010



All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned From my Rock n Roll Highschool teachers, the Ramones. I learned about this treatment from a good friend of mine. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in Forrest Hills, Queens. These are the things I learned:

1. If given the choice: Carbona not glue.

2. Do not let your baby anywhere near the basement, chainsaw wielding maniacs or the KKK.

3. If the cretins stop hopping, leave them be, nothing can stop them.

4. Chicken Vindaloo is pretty damn good.

5. Certain things can be acquired at 53rd and 3rd.

6. Some door should never be opened.

7. There are some people you just don’t want to walk around with,

8. How to chew out a rhythm on my bubblegum.

9. I remember Hullabaloo.

10. You can’t go surfing when it’s 20 below.

11. The coaster in Coney Island is a pretty good date.

12. . New York City really has it all.

13. How to form in a straight line.

14. Next time I’ll listen to my heart. Next Time, I’ll be smart!

15. One can make a decent living by picking the banana.

What have you punks learnt?

Monday, March 1, 2010

The Fly in the Ointment.

“Help Me!” it screamed as I opened the jar of Tiger Balm.

Again, with the insects in my lotions and liniments.

Jeff Goldblum, can't you get a proper job? Leave me alone already.

Last week there was that brown recluse in my bottle of Vicks Vapor Rub. I was so damned congested, I nearly missed seeing the sucker.

And the dead wasp floating in Paw Paw’s Polygrip.

Worst of all. What the hell were fire ants doing in my gal’s tube of K-Y Jelly?

I’m telling you, living in this terrarium certainly has had its drawbacks. Moving here certainly has turned out to be the fly in the ointment!