Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Lame Ass Pitches # 318 : Jueves -- It's a remake of Friday but set in the Barrio

A lot can happen between Miercoles and Viernes.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Clam Pickle Vs. Captain Chutney Wombat

Dear Ann Arbor Craig’s List,

I overheard you yesterday at the Davie Street Starbucks, approximately at 3:00 PM saying how you could draw.

As you were at a Starbucks in the middle of the afternoon, I imagine you can draw really good enough not to have to have a day job.

Good for you.

I’m hoping you are interested in illustrating my new comic book masterpiece, Clam Pickle Vs. Captain Chutney Wombat.

Can you draw superheroes? Can you draw muscles? Big muscles? Please send me a doodle of a dissected starfish if you’re interested in continuing.

You’ll need to know a little marine biology if ya wanna run with me on this one. The squeamish dare not apply.

See, Clam Pickle is a superhero. An Aquatic one. Like Aquaman. But, he’s also America’s first hermaphrodite superhero. Hell, it’s 2010. It’s about fricking time.

So, Clam Pickle is a little bit Submariner and a little bit Jamie Lee Curtis. A little bit country and a little bit rock n roll. A little bit clam and a little bit pickle.

Oh, I forgot to ask. Can you draw juggs. Really bug juggs. Like the gals from a King Conan paperback?

Hopefully your religious beliefs will not get in the way of drawing this rather graphic graphic novel.

So because of global warming or an oil leak or something, Clam Pickle is now based on dry land. He lives on a houseboat in Fort Lauderdale.

When some geeks get beat up during Spring break, they become the Secret League of Junior Mad Scientists and summon up the spirit of Captain Chutney Wombat with a drum, a piƱata and a gator skull they unearthed from a sacred Indian burial mound and casino.

Captain Chutney Wombat is the spirit of an Nazi Doctor that experimented with gauchos and Guarani tribesmen in the jungles of Paraguay. He is an expert poisoner and an evil, vile villain.

Look, if you’re like me and wanna get out of Ann Arbor, please join me and Captain Pickle to get rich just as quick as we can crank out his next adventure.

I look forward to hearing from you.

I did notice that you were half or so Asian and hope you’re not married to drawing manga. I see Clam Pickle as more 70s Marvel than fucking manga.


Harv Trubovitz
The Guy at the table behind you.
I am sometimes said to be a little smelly

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Dee Snyder Finally Gets His Chance With Tipper Gore

It was a crush that lasted over 25 years, but the Twisted Sister singer may finally get his chance with the about-to-be-former Mrs. Gore.

Back in 1984, they were sitting on polar opposite sides of the PMRC Rock Censorship Hearings. Snyder recalls many confusing, sidelong glances exchanged across the crowded Senate floor. The Long Island heavy metalist found her cute and perky even whilst she was grilling him.

“It was a very heated moment. Very heated. She gave off a lot of heat. I guess I’m into really strong, authoritative, heat-seeking-missile-kinda women.”

After all these years, the passion never quite faded. “Every time I shut my eyes, I’d see her beckoning, just wearing a few strategically placed ‘Parental Guidance: Explicit Lyrics’ labels.”

“But she was a married woman, man. I couldn’t tap that. It would be against everything I held holy and honorable in Rock ‘N’ Roll.”

“It’s kinda like what that geek, John Denver said during the hearings. ‘That which is denied becomes that which is most desired, and that which is hidden becomes that which is most interesting.’”

After hearing about the Gore’s separation on MTV news, Snyder felt both shocked and a little elated. “I’ve been waiting like forever for this, man. My chad has been left hanging for a long, long time.”

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Tales My Degenerate Gambler Father Told Me -- The Elves and The Bookmaker.

Peter Falk as my Dad. Ben Gazzara as the Bookie. Paul Reubens as the Elf Union leader.

Unsold at Auction -- Michael Stipe's Napkin Scribblings.

Signs of more economic stagnation at Christie's Rock Memorabilia Auction last night as yuppies with burning wallets failed to bid on many items, including this rare cocktail napkin REM’s Michael Stipe scribbled his usually incomprehensible lyrics on.

We bring our readers these excerpts as a rare glimpse inside the workings of this ancient Athenian's mind:

Everybody Hurts.

Everybody Schleps.

Everybody Toots.

Everybody Poops.

Everybody Pooper Scoops.

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting

Everybody Hurts.

Everybody Have Fun Tonight.

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight,

Everybody Wets Their Bed Sometimes Cause They're too half asleep to get up and pee.

Everybody Shaves.

Everbody Loves Raymond.

Hold on, I'm writing here.

Everybody cries.

I said Hold on!

Everybody gonna cry when Kong dies.

Do you think he likes me?

Everybody Feels Like Dirt.

Everybody's Gone Surfin.

Everybody's Talking at me.

Even dogs.

They hurt too.

They're like tiny, furry peoples.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Lame Ass Movie Pitches #87 – Spoiled Pop Diva’s Bodyguard Falls For A Secret Service Agent With A Terminal Illness.

Sony Execs were moved to tears when I picthed it but maybe it was just allergies.

Russ Meyer to direct Shake Weight – The Movie

Sham Wow! It’s Hollywood’s current synchro-geist! Adapting late night infomercials to the big screen. Yesterday, Lionsgate announced that they’re bringing famed making-up-for-it-cause-I-was-never-damned-breast-feed Director, Russ Meyer back behind the camera where he belongs

Shake Weight – The Movie promises to be a titillating journey of a bored housewife, Adrienne Barbeau, who becomes rocket-cone shapely within mere moments of trying out this modern workout technology. With newly toned arms and newly toned empowerment, our heroine leaves the comfort zone of her snuggie cul-de- sac and seeks out fame and fortune, finding escaped Nazi Martin Bormann in the Swiss Alps and kicking his Jew-hating ass.

Meyer promises the movie will be damned bodacious juggernaut. Next project? Salma Hayek in The Pocket Fisherman.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Locomotive Breath Mints

Yo, Chew Chew Charlie,

In that shuffling madness,

before ya kiss that Box Car Bertha or pick up that flute,

Ya better pop a Locomotive Breath Mint.

I mean it, Pal!

Takes the taste of coal and snot right out.

Zesty forest flavored.

You won't get to Conjunction Juction without 'em.

All time loser NO MORE!!!!!!

New, imported by Shrewsbury Tull Distributers.

Great Duets #347 - Constipation Blues

Wednesday, June 2, 2010