Saturday, March 19, 2011

Stark's Tips For Dating A Mermaid

When meeting your mermaid girlfriend's parents for the first time, you should be very complimentary of their tridents.

Most mermaids are very shy and perfer to take things slow. You'll be lucky to get a few fin jobs the first couple of months.

Two things to watch out for when a mermaid is having her period: PMS and Sharks.

When a Mermaid is having her period, it's usually called her Manhattan cycle. When she is having a yeast infection, it's refered to as New England.

I don't mind going down on my mermaid girlfriend. As long as I have a packet of saltines handy

My Mermaid girlfriend douches with vinegar, chips and a newspaper cone.

People with moderate to severe shellfish allergies should refrain from such interspecies dating.

Never, ever, ever ask her for just a little head.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Florida, Meet Your New Governor.

Meet the new boss, not quite the same as the old boss.

Friday, March 11, 2011

At My Bookstore - Basil Rathbone Signed Book and Letter

In and Out of Character HC DJ First edit Signed and inscribed Best Wishes Basil Rathbone

Double Day NY 1962 Some tanning on signature Slight rubbing/wear on top of DJ. Please see pictures. Also have a signed Rathbone letter on auction here as well.

Signed letter with a PS note from Basil Rathbone to A NYC Drama Teacher ? in 1964. Very detailed, including news of his travels, manangement info, fees and needs to do a lecture.

Notice signature stuck off in the side. Scans can be emailed to you.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


The Tea Party Express rolled into Derry, Maine today, putting the town’s resident evil clown, Pennywise, in their crosshairs.

Maine T.P. spokeswoman, Michelle Brock, said that “We have nothing against nice, patriotic, rodeo, Red Skelton and Emmett Kelly type clowns. But, we won’t stand for death panel, granny killing, tax and spend, socialist, Muslim, Nazi ones in our state. Pennywise has got to go!”

Derry is like many small towns in America, plagued with a blight of closed factories, foreclosed homes, high unemployment and an ancient evil which wakes to feed every 30 years.

“He claims to have been here before the foundation of the town,” she said. “So, where’s his birth certificate? I don’t think he’s even an American.”

When asked for comment, Pennywise just laughed – maniacally. "There's plenty of room for all of us to float down here."

According to film producer and giant spider expert, Jon Peters, “The Tea Party has once again misspelled their signs. Pennywise has always been a staunch supporter of GOP causes and has frequently been photographed with his older brother, Dick Cheney.”

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Latest Pitch

Precious, The Vampire Hunter: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Bruce Willis to Star in Djinn and Tonik

Grizzled New York Cop, Karl Tonik (Willis), finds he may be just a little bit racist after all when he’s assigned to guard the new Islamic Community Center, while breaking in new partner, Djinn, a three thousand-year-old Genie (The voice of Aziz Ansari) who's been cramped behind a desk for way too long.

It’s enough to have him hitting the bottle again!

Need A Movie Title? Pick Up A Clash Album.

Yes, I’m graciously giving away more of my infinite screenwriting wisdom gratis. Like Cinderella’s slipper, finding the prefect fitting title for your flick isn’t always easy. Ya gotta know where to look. I pretty much always look to my record collection first.

The Clash, The only band that mattered, definitely has ample ammunition to choose from. I spotted half a dozen nifty titles just from Sandinista alone.

So, unless you’re writing Romcoms, let’s nail down an awesome title for your script. I just don’t wanna disgrace Joe Strummer’s memory by naming a J.Lo project after one of his classics. Know your rights!

Carreer Opportunities, 48 Hours and The Magnificent Seven have unfortunately already been used.

I’m So Bored with the USA – Michael Cera as a dissed-disenchanted-disenfranchised youth who moves to Prague to teach English, meet hot foreign chicks and avoid getting tortured to death in the cheap hostel he found in an outdated Let’s Go Europe.

White Riot – The Sarah Palin/Tea Party Story

Police and Thieves – Something Michael Mannish. You’ve also got Police on My Back, I Fought The Law, Robber Dub and Washington Bullets.

Garageland – Either a “Let’s Start a Band” flick or a bad husband forced to live in his man cave till the divorce papers are signed. Put Jessie James in it and you got a deal.

Tommygun – Prohibition era gangster epic.

All The Young Punks – Gritty neo noir.

Julie’s Been Working For the Drug Squad – Find a new Jennifer Jason Leigh for Rush 2. See also Junkie Slip.

Rudie Can’t Fail – A look at Ska culture, a Sean Astin football sequel, or a bio pic of Giuliani's ruined presidential campaign.

Death Or Glory – A blazing guns War flick.

Lover’s Rock – Okay, we might have found a romcom in their back catalogue.

Lost in The Supermarket – Why make movies about board games when you can tie-in one about the stuff we have to buy everyday. I see Oscar Meyer, Mrs. Paul and Captain Crunch as your main protags.

Train In Vain – Matthew Broderick as the Good and Plenty engineer, Choo Choo Charlie. Ya gotta think synergy, kids. Synergy!

Silicone on Sapphire – Musical! Iowa farmgirl goes to LA to live out her dreams of starring in the Showgirls sequel.

Hitsville UK – Hopefully a better rock n roll flick than Pirate Radio.

Junco Partner – Cajun infused sex comedy.

Ivan Meets GI Joe – Another noisy Michael Bay in Toyland moneymaker.

Rock the Casbah – Cause we really do need another Iraqi War picture.

Should I Stay or Should I go – Cripes, another Romcom title!!!!

Car Jamming – Finally that Nic Cage /Vin Diesel Project we’ve been eagerly awaiting.

Cool Under Heat – Bruce Willis in a Miami Cop pot boiler.

Armageddon Time – Something Post-Apocalypto. See also The City of The Dead.

1-2 Crush on You – Teen Matheletes romance or Cloverfield 2.

Groovy Times – This one is so good just force whatever piece of shit you’re writing to fit it!

(White Man) in Hammersmith Palias – All I know is I wanna see Michael Sheen in it.