Thursday, May 19, 2011

Tainted Hamentashen Ruins Guam’s First Purim

A recall of Prune Hamentashen tainted by rodent fecal matter may just ruin Guam’s first ever nationally celebrated Purim carnival.

Purim, for our Goyim readership (Do we have Goyim readership?), is the Jewish festival, commemorating the yet again deliverance of the Jewish peoples from nasty angry Arab types in the pre Cecil B Demille Biblical epic days.

It is traditionally celebrated with the Hamentashen, a sweet cookie with poppy seeds and a delicious prune filling.

It is written in the ancient, Talmud text that Queen Esther, severely constipated because of constant worry and guilt, ate only these ingredients as prescribed by the Royal household’s trainer and personal nutritionist, Hans Dexler.

The recall has left Guam sadly and suddenly Hamentashen-less. Bakers are eagerly awaiting ingredients to be shipped from the Mainland. The island's few erotic bakeries have made do with some structurally similar bachelor party cakes.

“Rats just have a thing for sweet prune filling,” said Guam’s Minister of Health, Dalia Yona. “The whole island is in mourning cause of those fucking rat finks. We believe it could have been a terrorist plot.”

Guam, surprisingly touts a population that is 47% Jewish. According to the latest census, most of these have been recent converts.

The Pacific protectorate was quickly evangelized by Old Testament believing missionaries soon after the first Micronesia Woody Allen Festival played to packed houses in the island nation’s capital.

The island saw conversion rates to Judaism skyrocket with neurosis and self loathing quickly following. In fact, New York therapists had to be flown in to help deal with the sudden emotional trauma.

“And now without our Hamentashen,” kvetched Ms. Yona. “We’re gonna have even more trauma to deal with. Oy!"

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

My Notes on the Robocop Remake

Dear cobbling screenwritrs in Hollywood's rebooting tree. Here's how to make the Robocop remake totally awesome.

Like you wisely did in Salt, reverse the damn sexes. Have Nancy Allen riddled with bullets and made into the six million dollar server and protector. Thinking of her going all Rosie the Robot is seriously making my circuits jerk.

I'd do anything to see that honey gone metallic. DePalma, man, how could you have let that tasty piece of hamentashen go?

Free advise, Suits. Take it or leave it.