Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Many Coups of King Vitamin

After protestors in Vitaministan stormed their tiny country’s castle and guards shot roughly 75 people, Ross Atinafato has proclaimed himself the new king, King Vitamin IV. Here are excerpts from his interview:

Newsweek: What actually cased the outbreak of violence?

King Vitamin IV: A number of reasons. Corruption. Political repression. Shortages of our precious national resource, Riboflavin.

Newsweek: You said you would not extend the military base rights for the U.S.

King Vitamin IV: We are opposed to your current’s president’s High Fructose-Deterrence Strategy. Mr. Obama you are a newcomer. Wait until the milk is poured and get some experience.

Newsweek: What about rumors of Vitaminstan pirates operating off your coast?

King Vitamin IV: We are a small country without a navy, founded on strong Quaker Principles. We welcome NATO’s help in finally defeating this scourge, Crunch and his damned crunch berries. So, would you like to have breakfast? Breakfast with the King?

Newsweek: You have already been accused as being just as harsh as your predecessor.

King Vitamin IV: What? Does it look like I cut out this cockamamie crown from the back of a cardboard box?

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Obama Angers Roman Catholics by Canceling Prince Spaghetti Day

President Obama continued his lofty liberal agenda to separate Church from State last week by canceling Prince Spaghetti Day, an American, Roman Catholic tradition usually held every Wednesday since the early 50s.

Protesters in Boston’s North End joined their generally Papist-hating Teabagging brethren by holding a rally at City Hall today with the usual amount of unchecked anger, misspelled signs and damned difficult to open jars of tomato sauce.

Fearing a similar presidential salvo, entrepreneur, Mrs. Paul, hired famed super Lobbyist, Jack Abramoff, to influence Congress in keeping the mandatory Fish on Fridays Laws on the books.

Newly Appointed Health Czar, the disembodied head of Dr. Robert Adkins, could not be reached for comment.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

True Blood Libel or 30 Days of Nights of Passover

George Soros and his clan of Jewish vampires descend on the small town of Wasilla, Alaska in search of hearty ingredients to make their secret matzah.

Can the disgraced, former Governor and Jew Huntress get over her victim mentality, plow forward and reload to save America from this blood thirsty scourge?

Based on Glenn Beck's new book, Chicken Soup For The Protocols of The Elders of Zion.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

On Sale At My Bookstore - Signed Pro Football It's Ups and Downs

Signed Pro Football It's Ups and Downs Dr. March

Second Edition 1939 has 30 signatures on the first page - many have become hall of famers. - - some foxing, red boards

Signed by:

Len Barnum, Cliff Battles, Dale Burnett,
Joseph Cannul, Pete Cole, Frank Cope,
Ed Danowski, Nello Falaschi, Chuck Gelatka
Ward Cuff, Al Owen, Mel Hein, Jim Lee Howell,
Larry Johnson, John Karcis, Jiggs Kline
Ed Lindell , Gus Mauch (trainer, John Mellus
Eddie Miller, Doug Oldershaw, Ox Parry
Jim Poole, Leland Shaffer Kink Richards
Hank Soa, Ken Strong, Orville Tuttl, Bill Walls
Tarzan White

Everyone I could identify was a NY Giant except Battles, who was formerly a Redskin and was coaching Columbia University in the 1939 – 1940 time when this was signed

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Sometimes I Forget Not To Panic After Drinking Beet Juice!

Years of Augmentative Surgery Has Taken Toll on Burger King

Once a fair and friendly ruler, the Burger King has undergone years of surgery in his obsessed quest to look more regal. He’s had experimental shin transplants in Paraguay that’ve added close to two feet to his height and extreme facial reconstruction that has given him a ghoulish, mask like appearance.

Warren Croc, the American ambassador to Burgeria wonders if all these medical procedures have finally affected the leader’s psyche. “He was once an amiable, chap.” recalls Crock. “Now, he’s a complete madman, pulling mean-spirited practical jokes on his public. Running around with airhorns, hiding behind corners, slipping pretty, blonde tourists roofies. I’ve seen him transform into quite the dictator. He’s pretty much of a dick now. Look at the millions of tax dollars the BK is spending just on bling.”