Thursday, July 22, 2010

Eli Roth to Direct The Glass Manicotti

Handsome Gentleman Caller force fed shards of broken Pyrex by cracked, southern belle living in Hoboken.

Amy Adams and Adrien Brody to star. Tom Sizemore provides the voice of the Unicorn.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Lame Ass Movie Pitch #79 - I was a Vampire Hitman's Therapist.

I see Alan Arkin or Nancy Allen as the therapist.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Todd Palin Hunts Mystical Creatures From Chopper

Native American groups are up in arms with Todd’s Palin’s latest gory hobby, aerial hunting their native legends from a helicopter.

Palin, seemingly killing through the alphabet, has moved on from hunting wolves to Wendigos, a mythical spirit-animal of the Algonquian-speaking tribes in the northern United States and Canada.

Protestors around the former Governor’s ice palace, carried signs reading, “Leave our Mythology alone.” And “Let us kill our own damned Monsters.”

“I’m no racist,” countered Palin over a couple of frosted Rheingolds. “I just like to blast living things from way up on high. I’d even blast a fucking bald Eagle if I could. That’s why I’m so stoked about my pretty wife being our next president. To finally let me kill some really cool shit. Man, it’ll be sooo like the Most Dangerous Game.

(Editors Note: The Todster didn’t actually reference the movie classic, The Most Dangerous Game, but Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Hard Target. Everyone knows that neither of the Palins have ever seen a black and white movie, cause they’re frankly so damned unAmerican.)

Once he brings the Wendigo population to total extinction, he is looking forward to tacking Yetis next. “Too bad there ain’t any animals in the kingdom starting with the letter X, “ he sighed. “Someone already bagged that Malcolm dude.”

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Scarlett Johansson to Star in Red Dawn Sonja

Army brat and comic book geekette, Sonja, goes all D&D to save her beloved, small John-Cougar-Mellencamp-esqu town from a supposed Russian invasion.

Is this really WW3 or all just in her troubled, Fox News rattled head?

With Fred Thompson as the Mayor, Tom Savini as John Milius and C. Thomas Howell as asshole chopper pilot, John McCain.

Go Wolverines!