Monday, December 20, 2010

More Sleigh Bell!


Happy Holdays From Naughty Kvetchings.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Little Lotta kicks cute Lulu's Ass!




Who wouldn’t have crush on Sydney Poitier? He basically brought hundreds or innocent schoolgirls from crayons to Perfume.

Everyone but that Big Bull Dyke, enormously well appetited, definitely Germanic, Little Lotta.

She just absolutely went bat shit crazy when her gal pal Lulu suddenly broke into that schmaltzy song during their final school dance. The one she fought the fucking schoolboards so fucking hard to bring her girlfriend to.

Then and there, Little Lotta’s special friendship with the pixieish singer came to an abrupt, heart crashing end.

The time for their long last looks were now over. She was indeed losing her best special friend to that guest worker moulinyan from British Guinea. How could she possibly giver her heart to that phony charmer?

It was just too soon after she had lost her special friend, Dot, who went on to Westchester to join a special school for young mutants using her ability to throw assorted polka dots all over the place for the good of mankind.

So Little Lotta just snapped. And hammerlocked her former lover, pulling off that truly horrid, Holiday Inn Keychain of an earring and causing severe spinal injury.

After years or rehabilitation, Lulu and fellow pop singer, Dusty Springfield have become life parters. Little Lulu went back to East Germany to coach their Olymic wrestling team to nine consecutive winning seasons.

Little Dot who fell into one of her black hole polka dots has never been seen or heard from since.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

My Girlfriend Doesn't Get Me Part 16

I asked for The Anarchist Cookbook, she brought me Rachael Ray's Ten Minute Meals.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

John Boehner Helps Nasa


His orange tears can supply enough daily Tang for 18 astronauts.

Natural Health News


John Boehner's skin discovered to be nature's most powerful antioxidant!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Housekeeping Finds 1,000 Monkeys With Typewriters in James Frey's Room.


Pisssed cause he's paying them more than me!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Yet More Noir Dames

The redhead played me alright. Played me like a Milton Bradley's Simon with dying batteries.

Even More Noir Dames

She had lips that could suck a ship right out of a bottle.

More Noir Dames

She had gams like Jacob's Ladder -- So, I had her clean the gutters.

Noir Dames

She came into my juke joint with a 45. And, there I was without a spindle.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Friday, November 5, 2010

Former Symbionese Liberation Army Member Working On Children’s Book

Here’s an exclusive excerpt:

A is for Acid
When You Can’t leave A Trace



B is For Balaclava
You put over your Face



C is for Cobra
Sprouting Seven Heads




D is for Denouncing Your Former Life
Right before Bed.



The author, still incarcerated, is having trouble getting a publisher. "Hell, they even let that terrorist, Glenn Beck write a friggin; Christmas book."

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Bilderberg Group thanks you for voting

Your Screenplay Sucks #33


The Map to the Elephants Graveyard tattooed under the toenail of the girl your protagonist just picked up in the last Starbucks standing after the Marrakesh Earthquake just a wee bit convenient.

Your Screenplay Sucks #21


Please, I don't care if you're their nephew. No one will want to see "Hall and Oates on Mars".

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Elect More Orange People

Need an Awesome Movie Title? – Just Try Some Warren Zevon Lyrics.


I’ve been listening to Excitable Boy over and over the past few days and it’s a bountiful bonanza of bitchin’ movie titles.

If you’re hard pressed finding the perfect moniker for your screenplay, try a few of these on for size:

I Hear Woodrow Wilson’s Guns – A grand oater

Veracruz is Dying – A western or maybe a gang banger flick.

Tenderness on the Block – Another romcom for J.Lo or a coming of age weeper.

Lawyers, Guns and Money – Why hasn’t this been used yet?!!!

Dad, Get Me Out Of This – Ferris Bueller type teen romp or The George W. Bush Story.

She Was With the Russians Too – Cold War Spy Comedy

Nighttime in the Switching Yard – Noir, Noir Noir.

Accidentally like A Martyr – Small indie all over it.

Shadow Love – Contained thriller.

Random Love – Sex Comedy

Werewolves of London – Okay, a remake.

The Hairy-Handed Gent – Fantasy or a bad date story.

Draw Blood – For the next ultra-violent Tarantino wannabe.

Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner – Russell Crow in the jungle with a big ass weapon. Jake Busey as the son-of-a-bitch Van Owen

They’ll be Rocking in the Projects –Music teacher beating the band and the odds in an inner city school

Excitable Boy – I see Jonah Hill as that said boy!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

America Has a Lot To Learn From Its Zombies


To a Zombie, regardless of race, color, creed, national origin, ancestry, sex, religious or political affiliation, age or sexual orientation, we are just food! America has a lot to learn from its Zombies.

Come Nov 2nd, lurch slowly to the polls and vote like one!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Dearborn, Michigan Under Sharro Law!


Yum. Sharro! Guess Sharon Angle is dyslexic.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

This Week on Discovery – Todd Palin, Monster Hunter


Tired of running over endangered Caribou on his snowmobile, the Former Alaskan First Dude and gentleman sportsman is looking forward to a new challenge -- searching and destroying cryptozoological creatures on his new Discovery Channel Reality show, TODD PALIN, MONSTER HUNTER, with co-hosts Nick Cage and Charlton Heston’s ghost.

Chupacabras, Yetis, Pixies, Radioactive Tape Worms, Big Foots, Loup-Garous and Loch, Lake and assorted Sea Monsters better watch out cause the Toddster is gonna be gunning for ya.

According to Palin, hunting, fishing and throwing dynamite into ponds of Mermen is a basic American core value – like beating up sissies.

“Hey. I’m up for killing some extreme shit.” he told us, “Until my wife gets to be president, I can’t legally hunt down immigrants and Inuits. This should tide those craving till 2012. Plus, I’m doing my part, keeping our borders safe. I mean Sharktopusses have killed a dozen surfers already and who know how many snowboarders have been buggered Prep School style by them damn Yetis.”

“The Bible and our Founding Fathers strictly forbids Bestiality, so as a red-blooded American, I’m gonna fight these beasties with everything I’ve got.”

“Let me tell you about Big Foot. It wasn’t so fucking big. Not like those Hollyweird liberals portrayed him on the Six Million Dollar Man and Harry and The Henderson. You don’t want that hairy monstrosity anywhere near your subdivision. I did America a favor by blowing it’s fucking brains out. And, Sarah made a delicious stew out of him.”

How does Palin enjoy hunting alongside his legendary co-hosts? “Well, it took some getting used to working with a spook and a liberal.” he said. popping yet another Molson (his favorite domestic brew). “But that’s what the Republican Party is all about. Bi-Parmesan, inclusiveness and clubbing a unicorn with it’s own horn till it bleeds out of its eyes and asshole.”

Saturday, October 2, 2010

YOUR MONEY -- WAYS TO PROFIT FROM THE REPUBLICAN TAKEOVER


It doesn’t take a weatherman to see which way the mighty wind is blowing. Checking Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin’s stock portfolios, it’ll be wise to put what’s left of your money in what they’ve just invested in. You too can become rich the good, old fashioned, WASPY WAY -- by doing absolutely nothing.

1. Invest heavily in Halliburton.

2. Buy a Wire Hanger Factory.

3. Short All keffiyeh producing companies.

4. Start adopting Mexican Landscapers to legally sell off later.

5. Learn Chinese.

6. Invent Permanent White Face.

7. Become Ghostwriter for a lazy ass conservative pundit.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Free Enchanted Monkey's Paw in Specially Marked Boxes of Honeycombs


Follow these misadventures now on twitter

http://twitter.com/search?q=%23monkeyspaw#search?q=%23monkeyspaw

Must be buried immediately in backyard with a size 10 slipper, a dash of paprika and all your Boney James cds. #Monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Bureau of Enchanted Objects finally telexes me about their massive Monkey Paw recall of 1975. Sez "Do Not Make Wish!" #Monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Nicolas Cage making obscene offers to buy my enchanted Monkey's paw. No, I won't trade it for your hermaphrodite Komodo Dragon #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Speechless Maria Osmond strangely attracted to one-armed men. Felatio forseeable. Thank you enchanted Monkey's paw. #monkeyspaw
1 minute ago via web

Wish she would just shut up already. Great. There it went. #monkeyspaw
7 minutes ago via web

Down to one wish. Maria Osmond biitching about Exile On Main Street. #monkeyspaw
8 minutes ago via web

Enchanted Monkey paw instructions not in Farsi but ancient Mormon text. Wish Maria Osmond was here to help. Oh, shit! #monkeyspaw
13 minutes ago via web

M.Night Shyamalan faxes over Cease and Desist orders over current Tweets. Can't help that my life is so supernatural. #monkeyspaw
44 minutes ago via web

Trying now to reach Customer Service at General Mills. Perhaps crazy Uncle Arthur was right. They are owned by the Devil! #monkeyspaw
about 1 hour ago via web

Be careful what you wish for. Strange rash gone. Whole left arm has vanished. Hard to pick nose now and read newspaper. Damn #monkeyspaw
about 1 hour ago via web

Wish this strange rash would go away. #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Rubbing enchanted monkey's paw found in cereal box. Getting a strange rash. Must be allergic to damn monkey fur. #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Damned instructions are in Farsi. How does one wish upon an enchanted monkey's paw anyway? Do ya rub it? #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Cereal seems a bit stale. Hope the free monkeyspaw still works #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

It came free in an old box of Honeycombs. WIth enough boxtops one can get an Osmonds Record #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Free enchanted monkey's paw found in cereal box. What should I wish for? #monkeyspaw
about 2 hours ago via web

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Lame Ass Movie Pitches # 155 -- Kitty Carlisle, Vampire Killer


Proving her deductive prowess on What’s My Line and I’ve Got A Secret, Kitty Carlisle is tapped by J. Edgar Hoover to hunt Commie Vampires in New York’s Theater District.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Lame Ass Pitches #124 -- Dystopian Gillespie, a Sci Fi Musical


In a bleak future where all art is banned, one brave man picks up a trumpet.

Monday, August 30, 2010

CBS TO SIGN CHEAP TRICK TO PLAY THE SUPERBOWL IF BUN E. CARLOS STOPS SMOKING




The tiny grassroots Facebook-based movement to get Cheap Trick to play the Super Bowl blossomed to giant-sequoia-tree-size proportions after Half The Who wholly sucked. CBS, like Fox News before them, has caved to the populist pressure of the people and agreed to book them only if certain conditions are met.

Both CBS and the NFL have issued some guidelines to the famous Rockford, Illinois quartet. In deference to Michelle Obama’s new Childhood Obesity and Nasty & Filthy Habit Task Force, the super group will have to apply some super changes before taking the big stage.

Lovable drummer Bun E. Carlos must not only shed a few pounds, but stop smoking behind his set of skins. “The Superbowl is the most highest watched event in television. This does not provide a good image for the youth of our country,’ says a CBS spokesman. “Sure, you can drink beer, party with half-naked chicks and let your baby trade stocks online, but smoking and being a chub? Never!

Tom Peterson will have to trade down his 12 string bass for something less mutantly awesome like one with four or five strings. CBS concluded that children would immediately want to emulate the bassist and that would be an instant gateway to listening to avant-garde jazz and shooting smack.

Rick Neilsen will have to wear Lee Jeans, a new sponsor for the games. He is strictly forbidden to wear anything with vertical or horizontal lines, spots, checks, fugly sweaters, houndstooth, suspenders or polka dots as the half time show will be shown in High Definition and CBS legal is worried about his clothing causing a nation wide epidemic of epileptic fits.

According to CBS, Robin Zander is fine. Real, real fine.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Pete Townshend Announces His New Rock Opera – Tomei


“Tomei can you hear me? Can you feel me near you?
Marisa can you feel me? Can I help to cheer you?”


A longtime and rabid fan of the Oscar winning actress, legendary rocker, Pete Townshend has unveiled a new rock opus dedicated to his obsession with all things Tomei.

Basically, the album is about a legendary rocker who has lost his ability to perform. Then, in the green room of a late night talk show, he suddenly meets his muse. She smashes the mirror and opens the door of his heart, allowing him, for a brief moment, while backed by Paul Schaeffer and his Late Night Band, to suddenly soar as a rock wizard again.

Admitting to a massive crush on the actress since seeing her “In My Cousin Vinnie”, the famed musician just couldn’t erase the image of Marisa Tomei, laying naked, Ken Russell Style, in a bathtub full of beans. Heinz Baked Beans.

“I often think of beautiful women in bathtubs full of Heinz Baked Beans.” He told us. “Ever since the war. Well, they are the musical fruit.”

“I had to write this thing. I had to exorcise those demons. Look at her. Isn’t she just luscious? She’s like a peach. A good peach. Not one of those spotty peaches where you take a bite and -- yuch, -- have to spit it right out into a napkin. And, then you take another bite and it’s the same bloody thing. Bite. Spit. Bite. Spit. Like you never learn.”

“I’m thinking of going the whole magilla with this one. Album. Tour. Movie. Broadway Show. Deluxe Addition Album. 20th Anniversary Tour. A movie of the Broadway Show. A Broadway Show of the movie. I think we can get Elton and Tina and Eric and Ann to join us on this.”

“Roger is game.” Says Townshend. “Hell, Daltry is game for anything these days. It’s not like there’s gonna be another shot at the Super Bowl or a new CSI show for us to do the opening credits for.”

When asked to comment on being the inspiration of such an iconic, musical collaboration, Miss Tomei merely asked “Who?”

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Freakies Versus Keebler Elves Over Cramped Tree Workplace



After an invasion of lumberjacks, Gypsy Moths and greedy Unobtanium miners have killed off all the kitchen accessible trees in the forest, Elves and Freaks fight over the last remaining Oak.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Lame Ass Pitches # 146 -- Ben Stiller in Night at the Holocaust Museum


Sarah Silverman costars as Anne Frank and Richard Dreyfuss as the fussy musuem director.

People will cry with laughter as that crazy Capuchin monkey gets into that damn pile of shoes.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Eli Roth to Direct The Glass Manicotti


Handsome Gentleman Caller force fed shards of broken Pyrex by cracked, southern belle living in Hoboken.

Amy Adams and Adrien Brody to star. Tom Sizemore provides the voice of the Unicorn.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Lame Ass Movie Pitch #79 - I was a Vampire Hitman's Therapist.



I see Alan Arkin or Nancy Allen as the therapist.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Todd Palin Hunts Mystical Creatures From Chopper


Native American groups are up in arms with Todd’s Palin’s latest gory hobby, aerial hunting their native legends from a helicopter.

Palin, seemingly killing through the alphabet, has moved on from hunting wolves to Wendigos, a mythical spirit-animal of the Algonquian-speaking tribes in the northern United States and Canada.

Protestors around the former Governor’s ice palace, carried signs reading, “Leave our Mythology alone.” And “Let us kill our own damned Monsters.”

“I’m no racist,” countered Palin over a couple of frosted Rheingolds. “I just like to blast living things from way up on high. I’d even blast a fucking bald Eagle if I could. That’s why I’m so stoked about my pretty wife being our next president. To finally let me kill some really cool shit. Man, it’ll be sooo like the Most Dangerous Game.

(Editors Note: The Todster didn’t actually reference the movie classic, The Most Dangerous Game, but Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Hard Target. Everyone knows that neither of the Palins have ever seen a black and white movie, cause they’re frankly so damned unAmerican.)

Once he brings the Wendigo population to total extinction, he is looking forward to tacking Yetis next. “Too bad there ain’t any animals in the kingdom starting with the letter X, “ he sighed. “Someone already bagged that Malcolm dude.”

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Scarlett Johansson to Star in Red Dawn Sonja



Army brat and comic book geekette, Sonja, goes all D&D to save her beloved, small John-Cougar-Mellencamp-esqu town from a supposed Russian invasion.

Is this really WW3 or all just in her troubled, Fox News rattled head?

With Fred Thompson as the Mayor, Tom Savini as John Milius and C. Thomas Howell as asshole chopper pilot, John McCain.

Go Wolverines!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Lame Ass Pitches # 318 : Jueves -- It's a remake of Friday but set in the Barrio


A lot can happen between Miercoles and Viernes.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Clam Pickle Vs. Captain Chutney Wombat


Dear Ann Arbor Craig’s List,

I overheard you yesterday at the Davie Street Starbucks, approximately at 3:00 PM saying how you could draw.

As you were at a Starbucks in the middle of the afternoon, I imagine you can draw really good enough not to have to have a day job.

Good for you.

I’m hoping you are interested in illustrating my new comic book masterpiece, Clam Pickle Vs. Captain Chutney Wombat.

Can you draw superheroes? Can you draw muscles? Big muscles? Please send me a doodle of a dissected starfish if you’re interested in continuing.

You’ll need to know a little marine biology if ya wanna run with me on this one. The squeamish dare not apply.

See, Clam Pickle is a superhero. An Aquatic one. Like Aquaman. But, he’s also America’s first hermaphrodite superhero. Hell, it’s 2010. It’s about fricking time.

So, Clam Pickle is a little bit Submariner and a little bit Jamie Lee Curtis. A little bit country and a little bit rock n roll. A little bit clam and a little bit pickle.

Oh, I forgot to ask. Can you draw juggs. Really bug juggs. Like the gals from a King Conan paperback?

Hopefully your religious beliefs will not get in the way of drawing this rather graphic graphic novel.

So because of global warming or an oil leak or something, Clam Pickle is now based on dry land. He lives on a houseboat in Fort Lauderdale.

When some geeks get beat up during Spring break, they become the Secret League of Junior Mad Scientists and summon up the spirit of Captain Chutney Wombat with a drum, a piƱata and a gator skull they unearthed from a sacred Indian burial mound and casino.

Captain Chutney Wombat is the spirit of an Nazi Doctor that experimented with gauchos and Guarani tribesmen in the jungles of Paraguay. He is an expert poisoner and an evil, vile villain.

Look, if you’re like me and wanna get out of Ann Arbor, please join me and Captain Pickle to get rich just as quick as we can crank out his next adventure.

I look forward to hearing from you.

I did notice that you were half or so Asian and hope you’re not married to drawing manga. I see Clam Pickle as more 70s Marvel than fucking manga.

Excelsior,

Harv Trubovitz
The Guy at the table behind you.
I am sometimes said to be a little smelly

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Dee Snyder Finally Gets His Chance With Tipper Gore


It was a crush that lasted over 25 years, but the Twisted Sister singer may finally get his chance with the about-to-be-former Mrs. Gore.

Back in 1984, they were sitting on polar opposite sides of the PMRC Rock Censorship Hearings. Snyder recalls many confusing, sidelong glances exchanged across the crowded Senate floor. The Long Island heavy metalist found her cute and perky even whilst she was grilling him.

“It was a very heated moment. Very heated. She gave off a lot of heat. I guess I’m into really strong, authoritative, heat-seeking-missile-kinda women.”

After all these years, the passion never quite faded. “Every time I shut my eyes, I’d see her beckoning, just wearing a few strategically placed ‘Parental Guidance: Explicit Lyrics’ labels.”

“But she was a married woman, man. I couldn’t tap that. It would be against everything I held holy and honorable in Rock ‘N’ Roll.”

“It’s kinda like what that geek, John Denver said during the hearings. ‘That which is denied becomes that which is most desired, and that which is hidden becomes that which is most interesting.’”

After hearing about the Gore’s separation on MTV news, Snyder felt both shocked and a little elated. “I’ve been waiting like forever for this, man. My chad has been left hanging for a long, long time.”

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Tales My Degenerate Gambler Father Told Me -- The Elves and The Bookmaker.



Peter Falk as my Dad. Ben Gazzara as the Bookie. Paul Reubens as the Elf Union leader.

Unsold at Auction -- Michael Stipe's Napkin Scribblings.


Signs of more economic stagnation at Christie's Rock Memorabilia Auction last night as yuppies with burning wallets failed to bid on many items, including this rare cocktail napkin REM’s Michael Stipe scribbled his usually incomprehensible lyrics on.

We bring our readers these excerpts as a rare glimpse inside the workings of this ancient Athenian's mind:



Everybody Hurts.

Everybody Schleps.

Everybody Toots.

Everybody Poops.

Everybody Pooper Scoops.

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting

Everybody Hurts.

Everybody Have Fun Tonight.

Everybody Wang Chung Tonight,

Everybody Wets Their Bed Sometimes Cause They're too half asleep to get up and pee.

Everybody Shaves.

Everbody Loves Raymond.

Hold on, I'm writing here.

Everybody cries.

I said Hold on!

Everybody gonna cry when Kong dies.

Do you think he likes me?

Everybody Feels Like Dirt.

Everybody's Gone Surfin.

Everybody's Talking at me.

Even dogs.

They hurt too.

They're like tiny, furry peoples.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Lame Ass Movie Pitches #87 – Spoiled Pop Diva’s Bodyguard Falls For A Secret Service Agent With A Terminal Illness.



Sony Execs were moved to tears when I picthed it but maybe it was just allergies.