Monday, August 30, 2010


The tiny grassroots Facebook-based movement to get Cheap Trick to play the Super Bowl blossomed to giant-sequoia-tree-size proportions after Half The Who wholly sucked. CBS, like Fox News before them, has caved to the populist pressure of the people and agreed to book them only if certain conditions are met.

Both CBS and the NFL have issued some guidelines to the famous Rockford, Illinois quartet. In deference to Michelle Obama’s new Childhood Obesity and Nasty & Filthy Habit Task Force, the super group will have to apply some super changes before taking the big stage.

Lovable drummer Bun E. Carlos must not only shed a few pounds, but stop smoking behind his set of skins. “The Superbowl is the most highest watched event in television. This does not provide a good image for the youth of our country,’ says a CBS spokesman. “Sure, you can drink beer, party with half-naked chicks and let your baby trade stocks online, but smoking and being a chub? Never!

Tom Peterson will have to trade down his 12 string bass for something less mutantly awesome like one with four or five strings. CBS concluded that children would immediately want to emulate the bassist and that would be an instant gateway to listening to avant-garde jazz and shooting smack.

Rick Neilsen will have to wear Lee Jeans, a new sponsor for the games. He is strictly forbidden to wear anything with vertical or horizontal lines, spots, checks, fugly sweaters, houndstooth, suspenders or polka dots as the half time show will be shown in High Definition and CBS legal is worried about his clothing causing a nation wide epidemic of epileptic fits.

According to CBS, Robin Zander is fine. Real, real fine.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Pete Townshend Announces His New Rock Opera – Tomei

“Tomei can you hear me? Can you feel me near you?
Marisa can you feel me? Can I help to cheer you?”

A longtime and rabid fan of the Oscar winning actress, legendary rocker, Pete Townshend has unveiled a new rock opus dedicated to his obsession with all things Tomei.

Basically, the album is about a legendary rocker who has lost his ability to perform. Then, in the green room of a late night talk show, he suddenly meets his muse. She smashes the mirror and opens the door of his heart, allowing him, for a brief moment, while backed by Paul Schaeffer and his Late Night Band, to suddenly soar as a rock wizard again.

Admitting to a massive crush on the actress since seeing her “In My Cousin Vinnie”, the famed musician just couldn’t erase the image of Marisa Tomei, laying naked, Ken Russell Style, in a bathtub full of beans. Heinz Baked Beans.

“I often think of beautiful women in bathtubs full of Heinz Baked Beans.” He told us. “Ever since the war. Well, they are the musical fruit.”

“I had to write this thing. I had to exorcise those demons. Look at her. Isn’t she just luscious? She’s like a peach. A good peach. Not one of those spotty peaches where you take a bite and -- yuch, -- have to spit it right out into a napkin. And, then you take another bite and it’s the same bloody thing. Bite. Spit. Bite. Spit. Like you never learn.”

“I’m thinking of going the whole magilla with this one. Album. Tour. Movie. Broadway Show. Deluxe Addition Album. 20th Anniversary Tour. A movie of the Broadway Show. A Broadway Show of the movie. I think we can get Elton and Tina and Eric and Ann to join us on this.”

“Roger is game.” Says Townshend. “Hell, Daltry is game for anything these days. It’s not like there’s gonna be another shot at the Super Bowl or a new CSI show for us to do the opening credits for.”

When asked to comment on being the inspiration of such an iconic, musical collaboration, Miss Tomei merely asked “Who?”

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Freakies Versus Keebler Elves Over Cramped Tree Workplace

After an invasion of lumberjacks, Gypsy Moths and greedy Unobtanium miners have killed off all the kitchen accessible trees in the forest, Elves and Freaks fight over the last remaining Oak.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Lame Ass Pitches # 146 -- Ben Stiller in Night at the Holocaust Museum

Sarah Silverman costars as Anne Frank and Richard Dreyfuss as the fussy musuem director.

People will cry with laughter as that crazy Capuchin monkey gets into that damn pile of shoes.