Failed Reboots #14 -- West Egg Ninjas Vs East Egg Ninjas

The Execs we pitched to lacked the vision. Who the hell wouldn't want to see Gatsby doing Mixed Martial Arts? Illiterate Swine!

Sir James Young Simpson accidentally invented Chloroform 200 years ago by mixing Clorox and Colorforms.

Mead - Both Nectar of the Gods and School Supplies.

Mead - Both Nectar of the Gods and School Supplies.

Abandoned Pitch #317 – Gay Time Machine

GAY TIME MACHINE

Days before his infamous trial, Oscar Wilde tries not only to flee his predicament, but his present spacetime. With great urgency and flamboyant hand gestures, he convincing fellow club member, H.G. Wells, to test drive the latest invention he’s been boring their writers’ workshop with – a Time Machine.

With his usual sound judgment impaired by one too many rounds of mutton and absinthe, Wells attempts to send his friend back to a less homophobic time and place – to Ancient Greece, where the ghastly Queensbury Rules never did apply. Where teachers didn’t have to sing, “Don’t stand. Don’t stand so close to me.” even if they didn't look like Sting. The olde Sting. The olde Sting before he stopped hanging out with Adam Ant and started playing the hurdy gurdy.

But, he never makes it to that fabulous ancient island of hunky goat hurders, manadtory wrestling matches and unlimited feta.

Things go hysterically awry when Wilde is accidentally sent back to the future, to an apocalyptic America run by a completely mad, former Texas Governor retrofitted by Halliburton with a Burger King Crown that should control the weather, but so far has only produced five decades worth of drought. Hilarity ensues as a Tea Posse is formed to hunt down the English dandy and throw him in the Bachmann Turner Overdrive, a strange change machine that can suck the gay (and a few feet of colon) right out of you.

Barely escaping with his life, Wilde fires the Time Machine back up, landing in 802,701 A.D where he must battle savage Morlocks, fight off the awkward advances of a sexy Yvette Mimieux and deal with the – UGH – horrible wallpaper of the future.

Gay Time Machine –Get Ready for the Rip Rearing Ride of Your Life! Putting the Fabulous back in Sci Fi!

Rejected Pitches # 715 Castanets and Cracklins

She’s a gorgeous, English-mangling Flamenco dancer with a 12-hour layover in Atlanta. He’s the local, English-mangling Delta baggage handler with way too much time on his hands.

Execs didn’t think there could be chemistry between Penelope Cruz and Larry the Cable Guy. What do they know? When I close my eyes, all I can see is them schtupping all over those tiny tables in front of the Atlanta Bread Company.

Tainted Hamentashen Ruins Guam’s First Purim

A recall of Prune Hamentashen tainted by rodent fecal matter may just ruin Guam’s first ever nationally celebrated Purim carnival.

Purim, for our Goyim readership (Do we have Goyim readership?), is the Jewish festival, commemorating the yet again deliverance of the Jewish peoples from nasty angry Arab types in the pre Cecil B Demille Biblical epic days.

It is traditionally celebrated with the Hamentashen, a sweet cookie with poppy seeds and a delicious prune filling.

It is written in the ancient, Talmud text that Queen Esther, severely constipated because of constant worry and guilt, ate only these ingredients as prescribed by the Royal household’s trainer and personal nutritionist, Hans Dexler.

The recall has left Guam sadly and suddenly Hamentashen-less. Bakers are eagerly awaiting ingredients to be shipped from the Mainland. The island's few erotic bakeries have made do with some structurally similar bachelor party cakes.

“Rats just have a thing for sweet prune filling,” said Guam’s Minister of Health, Dalia Yona. “The whole island is in mourning cause of those fucking rat finks. We believe it could have been a terrorist plot.”

Guam, surprisingly touts a population that is 47% Jewish. According to the latest census, most of these have been recent converts.

The Pacific protectorate was quickly evangelized by Old Testament believing missionaries soon after the first Micronesia Woody Allen Festival played to packed houses in the island nation’s capital.

The island saw conversion rates to Judaism skyrocket with neurosis and self loathing quickly following. In fact, New York therapists had to be flown in to help deal with the sudden emotional trauma.

“And now without our Hamentashen,” kvetched Ms. Yona. “We’re gonna have even more trauma to deal with. Oy!"

My Notes on the Robocop Remake

Dear cobbling screenwritrs in Hollywood's rebooting tree. Here's how to make the Robocop remake totally awesome.

Like you wisely did in Salt, reverse the damn sexes. Have Nancy Allen riddled with bullets and made into the six million dollar server and protector. Thinking of her going all Rosie the Robot is seriously making my circuits jerk.

I'd do anything to see that honey gone metallic. DePalma, man, how could you have let that tasty piece of hamentashen go?

Free advise, Suits. Take it or leave it.