CBS TO SIGN CHEAP TRICK TO PLAY THE SUPERBOWL IF BUN E. CARLOS STOPS SMOKING

The tiny grassroots Facebook-based movement to get Cheap Trick to play the Super Bowl blossomed to giant-sequoia-tree-size proportions after Half The Who wholly sucked. CBS, like Fox News before them, has caved to the populist pressure of the people and agreed to book them only if certain conditions are met.

Both CBS and the NFL have issued some guidelines to the famous Rockford, Illinois quartet. In deference to Michelle Obama’s new Childhood Obesity and Nasty & Filthy Habit Task Force, the super group will have to apply some super changes before taking the big stage.

Lovable drummer Bun E. Carlos must not only shed a few pounds, but stop smoking behind his set of skins. “The Superbowl is the most highest watched event in television. This does not provide a good image for the youth of our country,’ says a CBS spokesman. “Sure, you can drink beer, party with half-naked chicks and let your baby trade stocks online, but smoking and being a chub? Never!

Tom Peterson will have to trade down his 12 string bass for something less mutantly awesome like one with four or five strings. CBS concluded that children would immediately want to emulate the bassist and that would be an instant gateway to listening to avant-garde jazz and shooting smack.

Rick Neilsen will have to wear Lee Jeans, a new sponsor for the games. He is strictly forbidden to wear anything with vertical or horizontal lines, spots, checks, fugly sweaters, houndstooth, suspenders or polka dots as the half time show will be shown in High Definition and CBS legal is worried about his clothing causing a nation wide epidemic of epileptic fits.

According to CBS, Robin Zander is fine. Real, real fine.