Saturday, October 16, 2010
This Week on Discovery – Todd Palin, Monster Hunter
Tired of running over endangered Caribou on his snowmobile, the Former Alaskan First Dude and gentleman sportsman is looking forward to a new challenge -- searching and destroying cryptozoological creatures on his new Discovery Channel Reality show, TODD PALIN, MONSTER HUNTER, with co-hosts Nick Cage and Charlton Heston’s ghost.
Chupacabras, Yetis, Pixies, Radioactive Tape Worms, Big Foots, Loup-Garous and Loch, Lake and assorted Sea Monsters better watch out cause the Toddster is gonna be gunning for ya.
According to Palin, hunting, fishing and throwing dynamite into ponds of Mermen is a basic American core value – like beating up sissies.
“Hey. I’m up for killing some extreme shit.” he told us, “Until my wife gets to be president, I can’t legally hunt down immigrants and Inuits. This should tide those craving till 2012. Plus, I’m doing my part, keeping our borders safe. I mean Sharktopusses have killed a dozen surfers already and who know how many snowboarders have been buggered Prep School style by them damn Yetis.”
“The Bible and our Founding Fathers strictly forbids Bestiality, so as a red-blooded American, I’m gonna fight these beasties with everything I’ve got.”
“Let me tell you about Big Foot. It wasn’t so fucking big. Not like those Hollyweird liberals portrayed him on the Six Million Dollar Man and Harry and The Henderson. You don’t want that hairy monstrosity anywhere near your subdivision. I did America a favor by blowing it’s fucking brains out. And, Sarah made a delicious stew out of him.”
How does Palin enjoy hunting alongside his legendary co-hosts? “Well, it took some getting used to working with a spook and a liberal.” he said. popping yet another Molson (his favorite domestic brew). “But that’s what the Republican Party is all about. Bi-Parmesan, inclusiveness and clubbing a unicorn with it’s own horn till it bleeds out of its eyes and asshole.”