Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Bad Query letters -- BAR MITZVAH ROBOT!!!!!!

My friedn Kevin Madman @ has turned writing bad query letetrs into an art form.

I've contributed a few rather raunchy ones under my nom de plume.

But, somehow, old Kev refused to run my magnus opus of bad.

So, here tis:


Dear Mishpokhe,

Thank God you’re still running Hollywood!

I’m hoping you still remember my Aunt, Bessie Futterman, who was your mother’s neighbor back before you moved off the Grand Concourse. You, of course, couldn’t possibly forget the delicious smells that crept down the hallway from apartment 6E. The scent of her kreplachs I’m sure are still wafting through the windmills of your mind. I know they’re still wafting through mine!

Well, I know you’re a busy man, so I’ll get right down to it. Here’s the, highly profitable movie I know you’ve been praying for.

Martin Greenblatt didn’t want a big party on his 13th birthday. He didn’t want a fountain pen. He didn’t want a savings bond from his beloved, Bubbie Esther. He didn’t even want a kiss from that cutie, Emma Stone.

All he wanted for his birthday was a Bar Mitzvah Robot.

Yes, a Bar Mitzvah Robot!!!!!!!

Not some cokamammie Transformer or that totally fagelah Iron Giant. But, a Bar Mitzvah Robot! A best friend, an ET and a Michael Jackson all rolled into one component. All made out of American steel and some simple electronics you can pick up from any neighborhood Radio Shack.

I see a whole line of movie merch, toy tie-ins and Kosher Happy Meals!!!!

When the undiagnosed-borderline-dyslexic Martin muffs his Torah Portion, his Farklempt prayers actually bring his metallic best bud to life! Can you imagine the look on the Cantor’s face as the Bar Mitzvah Robot suddenly outgrows the gift table and practically collapses the ceiling of the Flatbush Tivioli?

I see Jonah Hill providing the voice of the Bar Mitzvah Robot!!!!!

Yes, I know. You already think it’s a little too artsy-fartsy. So, it’s a little bit magical realism. It worked for Adam Sandler in Bedtime Stories.

Don’t tell me you don’t want another Bedtime Stories on your hands????

The rest of the tale I admit is a little sketchy. But, what else do you need? Just hire someone to connect the dots for an instant rock-em sock-em box office!

Three magic words -- Bar Mitzvah Robot!!!!!!!

It won’t take an Isaac Basiv Singer to bring this little story to life. Just hire a schmuck, like my nephew, Michael Stark, who once optioned a script or two to Disney. He’ll work for cheap, I’m sure.

So, do we have a deal or what?

Just contact your mom who’ll contact my Aunt who’ll contact me. Easy!

To Your Continual Good Prostate Health,

Hershell Gordon Rabinowitz
(Creator and owner of The Bar Mitzvah Robot idea)

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