DRUNKEN ODE TO A GIANT GILA MONSTER

Your oversized reptile sucks!

You call that a giant Gila Monster?

I’m not scared of that.

In fact, here, Lizard, Lizard, Lizard.

You ain’t so threatening.

Taking a subway at 3Am is threatening.

Eating Fugu Fish at an all you can eat $7.99 Japanese Buffet is what I call threatening.

Not you, Hava Nagila Monster.

And, they say you arose after an Atomic Bomb blast?

There’s more radiation coming out of my cell phone.

And I wear an aluminum hat!

I’ll easily outrun you, GG, in my dune buggy.

Even with a surfboard mounted on the roof.

I can outrun you, giant Gila Monster in my fucking flip flops.

You are a sad excuse for a creature feature.

You are why they don’t make movies about monsterously giant, irradiated animals anymore.

You caused the damned Brendan Fraser Effect!

Whenever nature goes amok these days, it now must be cute and have Brendan Fraser in it.

Damned giant Gila Monster, you have destroyed cinema.

I’m going back to France to make real art without you.

I once loved you, Hiroshima Mon Amour.

Go slither back home, tall-for-your-class reptilian mouth breather.

Zzzax!!!